Ramblings of a Zen Woman

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.” ~ Fr. Alfred D’Souza

So. I’ve done some thinking, as I always do, when I come out on the other side of a binge. I’ve done lots of thinking, actually, with some self-abuse thrown in, just for fun. I think about how I can “fix” the problem. I put that in quotes because I’m not looking to actually fix the problem, I just want to throw some duct tape on it (because everyone knows that it’s Duct Tape, and not The Force, that holds the world together) and be done with it. But I know that, while Duct Tape can fix many things, it’s not going to fix my bingeing.

I think about how I can “cope” with the problem. Another pretty word for “don’t really change anything, just accept it and move on”.

I wander through my daily chores, grumbling about how the world is so unfair and evil, and why can’t MY size be the go-to size of the stars, so everyone will look at me and wonder, how DOES she get those water balloons to hang just right on her hips, and why do they never explode when she sits?

And, of course, there’s the daydreaming about how it will all be when I’m “done” – after the weight has all gently and quickly melted off, how I’ve just finished a triathlon and received a huge monetary reward for endorsing some goofy product, because, you know, I’m just so beautiful and charming that nobody can resist my gorgeous smile.

Right.

Then I get down to the nitty-gritty and actually start doing some real thinking. I think about the last time it happened. Check the journal – sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. Check the blog, again, hit and miss. But I start putting together some puzzle pieces. I find that many - not all, but many – of the binges come during the week leading up to “that time”. Yes, I’m blaming (in part) PMS. Why? Because I see that it’s not just the eating that’s out of control. It’s the thinking – my brain is scattered, I feel like I have advanced A.D.D., and I can’t hold onto a thought for more than a second. Seriously, I’ve taken to carrying around a little notebook and writing every errant thought down during that week. It’s the moods – often short-tempered, cranky, walking around like Calvin with that black cloud over his head.

I also sit down and do a couple of pages of the Overeaters Anonymous Workbook, or read some out of the “textbook”, which is similar to that of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes it helps, other times, I feel like I’m answering the questions by memory, but nothing is really helping… The questions are designed to help you figure out why you overeat in order to overcome the behavior. Sometimes I just want to scream, “I DON’T CARE WHY!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!” Other times, I sit and think, “ok, I know why… it’s because this happened when I was a kid, or somebody said that to me when I was six, or this, that, or the other thing is happening in my life,” but the ‘why’ doesn’t help when I want to grab a handful of M&M’s.

So I do those things to gain insight to the behavior, but I haven’t come up with any long-term, practical solutions to fixing it.

Back to square one.

So I let it ride for a bit, thinking that it will all come together, and things will eventually work themselves out.

Which brings us, class, to the quote that I posted up there, at the beginning of this tirade:

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.”

And why am I including that? Because I am a Dreamer. With a capital “D”. So much so, in fact, that my dad used to call me that, regularly when I was a kid. And not in a good way. I dream about how things will be when… I’m thin, I’m rich, next week, next month, next year, when I finally meet that useless excuse for a congressman face-to-face…. But the thing is, those things NEVER happen. I never “get thin” because I’m too busy thinking about it. Same with the other things. Except maybe the ‘get rich’ thing… hard to make money when your sole source of self-generated income is recycling aluminum cans.

So, I resolve to try and live more in the present. Not in a crackhead, marijuana-induced, “dude, you gotta just live, man” way, but to be in the present… to listen to myself, my body, and those around me when I would much rather follow my brain to Bora Bora. To be a little more Zen – again, in a practical way – about things. Because you can’t be happy tomorrow unless you’re happy now.

I also resolve to be more aware of the days on the calendar, so I’m not blindsided yet again by things that, at this moment, are out of my control. I’m working on natural ways to get it in control, starting with diet and exercise, but the first step is recognizing it when it starts and not looking back a week later, after I’ve emerged from the fog, and think, “well, DUHHHH”.

Of course, this could all be a bunch more of my dreaming and rambling, and it all just means nothing. If that’s the case, I’m breaking into the Halloween candy right now.

M&M anyone? (that's right kids... this is one of those "good candy" houses...)

Pity Party

Ugh. I’m back to where I began. Figuratively and literally. I’ve gained back all that I lost. I’m eating my way through the house. I’m scattered, flighty, tired, patience is shot, and just completely tired all.the.time. And to make it worse, I haven’t run all week. I know, I know, I promised to start again on Monday. But when I posted that, I didn’t realize that I was coming into the “I can’t breathe for nuthin’” phase of the cold that I was getting over. So I’ve walked. Which is good, I guess, but no substitute for actually getting out there (or on there) and running.

So. The eating thing. I’ve hit that ‘place’ again. That spot that I was in some time ago, where, if I think about not eating something that I want… say, a cookie… I panic. Literally panic. Cold in the pit of my stomach, heart rate starts to increase a bit, worry that I’ll never, ever be allowed to have a cookie again!!! And I have to eat it NOW!!! AND MORE!!! ALL OF THEM!!! RIGHT NOW BEFORE THEY MAGICALLY *POOF* DISAPPEAR OUT OF THE CABINET!!! So I eat some.

Then ten minutes later, I’m up there, looking for something else. This has been going on all week. I feel like crap, physically and mentally. I’m fighting it – hard. But it’s very much like telling the alcoholic to just ignore that beer in the fridge. It’s not going to happen.

So why do I buy the crap? See two paragraphs up. And add a sense of “I’m an adult, I can buy whatever the hell I want.” Which is a complete oxymoron of a statement, because if I truly was acting like an adult, I wouldn’t be acting this way, and I wouldn’t buy the damn cookies.

Oh, it’s frustrating. Frustrating, infuriating. Sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic. But I’ve said that before, haven’t I? Because it’s easier to explain to people. It’s easier to avoid it, because it’s not a necessity. Not that cookies are, I understand that, but food is. And if it’s not the cookies I’m bingeing on, then it’ll be something else. Except salads. Why can I never binge on salads???

Alex told me about part of a book that she’s reading that says that sometimes people eat to give themselves a sense of finishing something. You haven’t finished that work project, or cleaning the house, or whatever, so you go and finish off the casserole in the fridge, just to get that satisfaction of finishing. I can see that… but I think it’s a little more, here. Yes, I have projects that I need to finish. Can’t swing a dead cat in this house without hitting six different projects that are half-done. So maybe that’s part of the problem. But I don’t know. Maybe I’ll start finishing things just to see. That’d be a kick.

But it still doesn’t explain the absolute panic that starts when I try to deny myself the food. Sometimes I can work through it. Other times, like this week, I’m just too run-down and tired to fight it. So I eat, and then I feel more tired and run-down. It’s a vicious cycle.

WOOHOO!!! The posting worked!

UNCLE!!! UNCLE!!!

I give in!! I'm posting again!

First, the picture that was promised: (let's see if I can figure out how to get it in the body of the post) *crud, it doesn't seem to be working. I'll see if I can get it up in a post of it's own.*

Anyway. I've been a slacker for some time, now. Since that race, in fact. But I got off my caboose and signed up for another race, the Turkey Trot, on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I'm also working with a local trainer to prepare for it. She did a fitness assessment for me last week - I had to run a mile on a treadmill - and proclaimed that I am in the "Above Average" fitness category, which made me feel good.

So I guess I have to live up to that. In that spirit, I AM getting back on the treadmill today. Wanted to run outside, but Mother Nature has decided that the order of the day is a ton of rain.

I promise, I’ll post more…

I DID IT!!!!!

Pictures to come, when I get them. But I did it. I ran the whole bloomin' thing. Slowly, and laughing half the way, because my "Track Pony" kept running zig-zags in front of me, and even disappeared at one point, off hunting for raspberries. But I did it. And Dad shook my hand when I finished.

It was an excellent day.

Pre-Race Murphies

Tomorrow's the big day.

Last week, I ran 3 miles without stopping for the first time. I know I can run the 5K tomorrow.

Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I do NOTHING lately without Murphy going along. This time is no different...

He's taken up residence in my right ankle. After that 3 miles last week, I had a nasty-sore ankle, and could barely walk for two days after. I suspect that it's a ligament that's giving me trouble. So all this week, I've been off. Walking the route or not going at all. Just resting the ankle. Wednesday, I ran two miles, and felt really good. No pain yesterday. Today, when Dad gets here, he'll wrap the ankle and I'll take it for a test run.

And tomorrow I'll go and run the 5K.

I may be on my backside and doing nothing but ice and advil on Sunday, but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Want Some Cheese with that WHIIIINNNNNE??????

Off day. That's the only way I can describe it. Woke up early to help J - how do kids know? I had my alarm set for 6, he gets me up at 5:30. I got up to help him, and discovered that I just didn't feel right. Very lightheaded. So much so that I almost passed out when I was in his room. Hmmm... weird.

So I got him taken care of, got dressed, and went out to wait for H to show up - she was going to go with me this morning. Well, she never showed, so I went on my own. Started to run, and had a complete physical meltdown. Ankles hurt, legs hurt. Stomach glrpy. Nose running. A little dizzy. Cold. (the cold was because it was actually cold outside) I made it to the end of the first farm before I started walking, and then only got to the first curve (less than a half mile - I did 2.5 yesterday) before I decided that it was just completely foolish for me to continue. So I turned around and walked home.

I suspect that I was a bit dehydrated. I've been drinking water, but I don't think I got enough yesterday to offset the heat and all the activity that I suddenly seem to be engaged in. Not just the running, but also swimming, biking, and lots of just goofing off. So I'll up the water today, maybe pick up some Gatorade (gak) or some Propel (a little less gak), and try again tomorrow.

Please pass the cheese.

Bad Day for a Run

Honestly, would it alter the orbit of the Earth if I LOST A FEW POUNDS?????

So I decided that it would be a stellar idea to go for a run today at around 4:30. I checked the thermometer before leaving the house. Disregarded that it said 97° because it didn’t feel that hot out. There was a nice breeze blowing when I was sitting in the shade on my balcony reading, just before deciding to go out… HAH!! So I started out. Did fine for the first half of the run. In fact, I was feeling completely “in the groove” when I was running across the river – so much so that I forgot to check the time until I was halfway across. I think my time to the river was around 13 minutes. Not bad. So I kept going, past the mailbox, to the stand of trees on the edge of the pasture where the deer always hang out. Stopped, walked a bit, turned around to come back, and realized that I had been running downhill that entire time I was feeling so good. Well, no time like the present, and I started back home. Made it across the river before I entertained thoughts of stopping. Forced myself to get to the top of the hill, and lost all gumption. Half-walked, half-jogged the rest of the way home. Mostly walked. MAN, it was hot. MAN-oh-man, was it hot. Phew.

Tomorrow I run in the MORNING. When it’s still in the low 70’s.

And for the LOVE of PETE… can I lose some weight???? PLEASE??? SOMETHING!!!! I mean, it’s nice and all that my friends have noticed that I’m doing something – my friend Jen said that she didn’t recognize me from across the playground, which was just cool. But I’d like to see all of this work reflected on the scale. It’s very frustrating.