Skinny Jeans

2007-10-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

Ramblings of a Zen Woman

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.” ~ Fr. Alfred D’Souza

So. I’ve done some thinking, as I always do, when I come out on the other side of a binge. I’ve done lots of thinking, actually, with some self-abuse thrown in, just for fun. I think about how I can “fix” the problem. I put that in quotes because I’m not looking to actually fix the problem, I just want to throw some duct tape on it (because everyone knows that it’s Duct Tape, and not The Force, that holds the world together) and be done with it. But I know that, while Duct Tape can fix many things, it’s not going to fix my bingeing.

I think about how I can “cope” with the problem. Another pretty word for “don’t really change anything, just accept it and move on”.

I wander through my daily chores, grumbling about how the world is so unfair and evil, and why can’t MY size be the go-to size of the stars, so everyone will look at me and wonder, how DOES she get those water balloons to hang just right on her hips, and why do they never explode when she sits?

And, of course, there’s the daydreaming about how it will all be when I’m “done” – after the weight has all gently and quickly melted off, how I’ve just finished a triathlon and received a huge monetary reward for endorsing some goofy product, because, you know, I’m just so beautiful and charming that nobody can resist my gorgeous smile.

Right.

Then I get down to the nitty-gritty and actually start doing some real thinking. I think about the last time it happened. Check the journal – sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. Check the blog, again, hit and miss. But I start putting together some puzzle pieces. I find that many - not all, but many – of the binges come during the week leading up to “that time”. Yes, I’m blaming (in part) PMS. Why? Because I see that it’s not just the eating that’s out of control. It’s the thinking – my brain is scattered, I feel like I have advanced A.D.D., and I can’t hold onto a thought for more than a second. Seriously, I’ve taken to carrying around a little notebook and writing every errant thought down during that week. It’s the moods – often short-tempered, cranky, walking around like Calvin with that black cloud over his head.

I also sit down and do a couple of pages of the Overeaters Anonymous Workbook, or read some out of the “textbook”, which is similar to that of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes it helps, other times, I feel like I’m answering the questions by memory, but nothing is really helping… The questions are designed to help you figure out why you overeat in order to overcome the behavior. Sometimes I just want to scream, “I DON’T CARE WHY!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!” Other times, I sit and think, “ok, I know why… it’s because this happened when I was a kid, or somebody said that to me when I was six, or this, that, or the other thing is happening in my life,” but the ‘why’ doesn’t help when I want to grab a handful of M&M’s.

So I do those things to gain insight to the behavior, but I haven’t come up with any long-term, practical solutions to fixing it.

Back to square one.

So I let it ride for a bit, thinking that it will all come together, and things will eventually work themselves out.

Which brings us, class, to the quote that I posted up there, at the beginning of this tirade:

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.”

And why am I including that? Because I am a Dreamer. With a capital “D”. So much so, in fact, that my dad used to call me that, regularly when I was a kid. And not in a good way. I dream about how things will be when… I’m thin, I’m rich, next week, next month, next year, when I finally meet that useless excuse for a congressman face-to-face…. But the thing is, those things NEVER happen. I never “get thin” because I’m too busy thinking about it. Same with the other things. Except maybe the ‘get rich’ thing… hard to make money when your sole source of self-generated income is recycling aluminum cans.

So, I resolve to try and live more in the present. Not in a crackhead, marijuana-induced, “dude, you gotta just live, man” way, but to be in the present… to listen to myself, my body, and those around me when I would much rather follow my brain to Bora Bora. To be a little more Zen – again, in a practical way – about things. Because you can’t be happy tomorrow unless you’re happy now.

I also resolve to be more aware of the days on the calendar, so I’m not blindsided yet again by things that, at this moment, are out of my control. I’m working on natural ways to get it in control, starting with diet and exercise, but the first step is recognizing it when it starts and not looking back a week later, after I’ve emerged from the fog, and think, “well, DUHHHH”.

Of course, this could all be a bunch more of my dreaming and rambling, and it all just means nothing. If that’s the case, I’m breaking into the Halloween candy right now.

M&M anyone? (that's right kids... this is one of those "good candy" houses...)

2007-10-12T15:15:00.001-05:00

Pity Party

Ugh. I’m back to where I began. Figuratively and literally. I’ve gained back all that I lost. I’m eating my way through the house. I’m scattered, flighty, tired, patience is shot, and just completely tired all.the.time. And to make it worse, I haven’t run all week. I know, I know, I promised to start again on Monday. But when I posted that, I didn’t realize that I was coming into the “I can’t breathe for nuthin’” phase of the cold that I was getting over. So I’ve walked. Which is good, I guess, but no substitute for actually getting out there (or on there) and running.

So. The eating thing. I’ve hit that ‘place’ again. That spot that I was in some time ago, where, if I think about not eating something that I want… say, a cookie… I panic. Literally panic. Cold in the pit of my stomach, heart rate starts to increase a bit, worry that I’ll never, ever be allowed to have a cookie again!!! And I have to eat it NOW!!! AND MORE!!! ALL OF THEM!!! RIGHT NOW BEFORE THEY MAGICALLY *POOF* DISAPPEAR OUT OF THE CABINET!!! So I eat some.

Then ten minutes later, I’m up there, looking for something else. This has been going on all week. I feel like crap, physically and mentally. I’m fighting it – hard. But it’s very much like telling the alcoholic to just ignore that beer in the fridge. It’s not going to happen.

So why do I buy the crap? See two paragraphs up. And add a sense of “I’m an adult, I can buy whatever the hell I want.” Which is a complete oxymoron of a statement, because if I truly was acting like an adult, I wouldn’t be acting this way, and I wouldn’t buy the damn cookies.

Oh, it’s frustrating. Frustrating, infuriating. Sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic. But I’ve said that before, haven’t I? Because it’s easier to explain to people. It’s easier to avoid it, because it’s not a necessity. Not that cookies are, I understand that, but food is. And if it’s not the cookies I’m bingeing on, then it’ll be something else. Except salads. Why can I never binge on salads???

Alex told me about part of a book that she’s reading that says that sometimes people eat to give themselves a sense of finishing something. You haven’t finished that work project, or cleaning the house, or whatever, so you go and finish off the casserole in the fridge, just to get that satisfaction of finishing. I can see that… but I think it’s a little more, here. Yes, I have projects that I need to finish. Can’t swing a dead cat in this house without hitting six different projects that are half-done. So maybe that’s part of the problem. But I don’t know. Maybe I’ll start finishing things just to see. That’d be a kick.

But it still doesn’t explain the absolute panic that starts when I try to deny myself the food. Sometimes I can work through it. Other times, like this week, I’m just too run-down and tired to fight it. So I eat, and then I feel more tired and run-down. It’s a vicious cycle.

2007-10-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

WOOHOO!!! The posting worked!

2007-10-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

UNCLE!!! UNCLE!!!

I give in!! I'm posting again!

First, the picture that was promised: (let's see if I can figure out how to get it in the body of the post) *crud, it doesn't seem to be working. I'll see if I can get it up in a post of it's own.*

Anyway. I've been a slacker for some time, now. Since that race, in fact. But I got off my caboose and signed up for another race, the Turkey Trot, on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I'm also working with a local trainer to prepare for it. She did a fitness assessment for me last week - I had to run a mile on a treadmill - and proclaimed that I am in the "Above Average" fitness category, which made me feel good.

So I guess I have to live up to that. In that spirit, I AM getting back on the treadmill today. Wanted to run outside, but Mother Nature has decided that the order of the day is a ton of rain.

I promise, I’ll post more…

2007-07-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

I DID IT!!!!!

Pictures to come, when I get them. But I did it. I ran the whole bloomin' thing. Slowly, and laughing half the way, because my "Track Pony" kept running zig-zags in front of me, and even disappeared at one point, off hunting for raspberries. But I did it. And Dad shook my hand when I finished.

It was an excellent day.

2007-06-29T08:18:00.000-05:00

Pre-Race Murphies

Tomorrow's the big day.

Last week, I ran 3 miles without stopping for the first time. I know I can run the 5K tomorrow.

Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I do NOTHING lately without Murphy going along. This time is no different...

He's taken up residence in my right ankle. After that 3 miles last week, I had a nasty-sore ankle, and could barely walk for two days after. I suspect that it's a ligament that's giving me trouble. So all this week, I've been off. Walking the route or not going at all. Just resting the ankle. Wednesday, I ran two miles, and felt really good. No pain yesterday. Today, when Dad gets here, he'll wrap the ankle and I'll take it for a test run.

And tomorrow I'll go and run the 5K.

I may be on my backside and doing nothing but ice and advil on Sunday, but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

2007-06-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

Want Some Cheese with that WHIIIINNNNNE??????

Off day. That's the only way I can describe it. Woke up early to help J - how do kids know? I had my alarm set for 6, he gets me up at 5:30. I got up to help him, and discovered that I just didn't feel right. Very lightheaded. So much so that I almost passed out when I was in his room. Hmmm... weird.

So I got him taken care of, got dressed, and went out to wait for H to show up - she was going to go with me this morning. Well, she never showed, so I went on my own. Started to run, and had a complete physical meltdown. Ankles hurt, legs hurt. Stomach glrpy. Nose running. A little dizzy. Cold. (the cold was because it was actually cold outside) I made it to the end of the first farm before I started walking, and then only got to the first curve (less than a half mile - I did 2.5 yesterday) before I decided that it was just completely foolish for me to continue. So I turned around and walked home.

I suspect that I was a bit dehydrated. I've been drinking water, but I don't think I got enough yesterday to offset the heat and all the activity that I suddenly seem to be engaged in. Not just the running, but also swimming, biking, and lots of just goofing off. So I'll up the water today, maybe pick up some Gatorade (gak) or some Propel (a little less gak), and try again tomorrow.

Please pass the cheese.

2007-06-11T21:49:00.001-05:00

Bad Day for a Run

Honestly, would it alter the orbit of the Earth if I LOST A FEW POUNDS?????

So I decided that it would be a stellar idea to go for a run today at around 4:30. I checked the thermometer before leaving the house. Disregarded that it said 97° because it didn’t feel that hot out. There was a nice breeze blowing when I was sitting in the shade on my balcony reading, just before deciding to go out… HAH!! So I started out. Did fine for the first half of the run. In fact, I was feeling completely “in the groove” when I was running across the river – so much so that I forgot to check the time until I was halfway across. I think my time to the river was around 13 minutes. Not bad. So I kept going, past the mailbox, to the stand of trees on the edge of the pasture where the deer always hang out. Stopped, walked a bit, turned around to come back, and realized that I had been running downhill that entire time I was feeling so good. Well, no time like the present, and I started back home. Made it across the river before I entertained thoughts of stopping. Forced myself to get to the top of the hill, and lost all gumption. Half-walked, half-jogged the rest of the way home. Mostly walked. MAN, it was hot. MAN-oh-man, was it hot. Phew.

Tomorrow I run in the MORNING. When it’s still in the low 70’s.

And for the LOVE of PETE… can I lose some weight???? PLEASE??? SOMETHING!!!! I mean, it’s nice and all that my friends have noticed that I’m doing something – my friend Jen said that she didn’t recognize me from across the playground, which was just cool. But I’d like to see all of this work reflected on the scale. It’s very frustrating.

2007-06-08T17:44:00.000-05:00

Takin’ it to the Streets…

Is there a Red Lantern Award for 5Ks?

Ok, I took the run outside today. And I do believe that I have located that fabled road that all of our parents used to get to school when they were kids… uphill both ways. The only difference is that mine is a dirt/gravel road with questionable footing, and theirs was covered in ten feet of snow.

I “ran” two miles today, with a short break between miles – it’s 1 mile to the river, I walked across the river and back, then ran home. I double-clicked the stopwatch at the beginning of the first mile, so I don’t have an accurate time for that leg, but I made sure I clicked correctly at the beginning of mile two, and ended with a time of 13:13:34. A 13-minute mile. That’s not horrendous, is it? It’s good enough for the Lantern, right?

My heart rate topped out at 176, I think. It may have gone a little higher than that, but I didn’t notice – or I don’t remember. Mostly, it hovered in the 165 region. The 170’s hit at the very end of each mile. Both of which were on a hill – the hill leading up to the river, and the hill leading up to the corner where my house sits. I’m also running with a cold, so I figure I can do better when it goes away.

All in all, I think I did pretty well.

2007-05-30T19:12:00.000-05:00

Progress

Ok, I’m doing really well (in my humble opinion, of course) on the 5K work. I’m following the Couch-to-5K program at Cool Running, and I’m already at week 5. -– the program calls for participants to do each workout three times per week, so, because the 5k is only 4 weeks away (GASP!!!), I’m doing two levels per week, with a day of rest in there -- Now I’m starting to feel it. I was able to pretty much sail through the first three weeks/levels because I’d been treadmilling off and on, or walking/running/playing around, so it was just a matter of getting the pieces to work together – lungs, heart, muscles, brain. Now, today, I felt it a little more. Today was day three on week/level 4, and to add a little more of a challenge, I added an incline to the workout. It challenged me. I wasn’t ready to quit… ok, I was, but I wouldn’t let myself. By that last 5 minute “run” (ok, it’s a jog. And I do it at a total snail’s pace), I was really cheerleading myself through it. But I made it. Tomorrow, I step up the workout again, to level 5. And I left the treadmill on an incline. No more flat work for me.

Soon, I’ll take it outside. I know I should be doing that now, but that treadmill is such a comfort zone for me, since I tend to be a "gazer" when I run outside ("Oh, look! A pretty rock!! I must stop and check it out...") But it’s a 9-week/level program, and definitely, before the event, I’ll be outside. Maybe even with Cruiser… who knows? Maybe I’ll bring him to the event, and he can PULL me through it!! (hmmm…. That’s an idea…. Maybe I should invest in a pair of roller blades for me and a carting harness for him…)

2007-05-21T09:53:00.001-05:00

I'm Back

Ok, yeah, it's been for-freakin'-ever since I posted. And now I'm doing so because my brother has been badgering me about it. :) And because he's being generous enough to let me use his ultra-fast cable connection, so I don't have to deal with the vagaries of my slower-than-a-tin-can-and-a-string dial-up.

Anyway... an update... I have pitched caution to the wind, bit the bullet, am putting my nose to the grindstone, and all those other cliches, and have signed up to RUN (ok, MY version of running, which is sort of a gimpy jog-thing that's slower than most turtles) a 5K on June 30. It's part of my town's Independence Day Celebrations, and also benefits our new library. So I'm bashing down the cartilage in my knees for a good cause!

I've also discovered that the absolute WORST thing you can do is to start a diet the day that you ramp up your workout. So, I've ditched the diet for now, and am concentrating on the training. That doesn't mean that I'm sitting and eating bon-bons (well, M&M's in my case) when I'm not on the treadmill, but it DOES mean that I'm not obsessing over the odd calorie. It also means that I've taken off the pressure, and lo and behold! I'm eating better. More water, less soda. Fruit or veggie at every meal. Sometimes two. V8 Juice to drink (have you tasted V8 Fusion? wow. seriously yummy.)

So I guess I'm dieting without even trying. Pretty cool.

Ok, off to bash the knees for a while.

2007-02-19T16:49:00.000-06:00

Mindset

I totally understand Alex's rut, and her bear picture. I feel like that a lot, especially with all the stress happening at this point in time. But I may have found a way out. Each morning, I wake up and the first thing I see is my "goal picture"... a greeting card with a couple of pictures of models who look the way I want to look - strong and curvy - glued over the actual greeting. And I think, "Today, I will be healthy". Nothing else... if I start to abuse myself (wow, am I fat... wow, I gained weight overnight, I hate my thighs, or whatever the insult du jour is) I shut it down immediately with "Today I will be HEALTHY". So far, it's working. I'm still enamored with Mountain Dew, but I drink more water than anything. I still have a few cookies in a day. But overall, I'm doing better - I start with a healthy breakfast, and have found myself unconsciously adding fruits and/or veggies or juice to every meal.

It's a step in the right direction. One that I plan to continue.

Oh, and I've managed to skip the treadmill for the last three days. Instead, I've gone out and waged war on the two inch thick ice sheet that is covering our driveway. Better than the treadmill AND weight-training combined.

Now, for the love of pete, pass the ibuprofen!!!

2007-02-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

http://www.gocomics.com/cathy/

....AAaaaaannnnd again, she lives my life. There's a giant imprint of my backside on our couch this week, because when I haven't been chasing after a 3-year-old, I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series. I really wish I could walk and read at the same time, then I could read the books while I'm on the treadmill. But, as previous posts have proven, I'm not exactly graceful on that thing. But I have my Dharma and Greg DVD's... they keep me entertained. And now that I've finished book 6 (for the second or third time), I can get back to the mill.

2007-01-29T16:08:00.000-06:00

The Ball

So I referred to the ball and the dog earlier. It’s one of those big exercise balls that are the fad now. It’s not just a fad with the human species. Canines like them too. In fact, they love them… Cruise attacks it. Chases it around the basement. Tries to pick it up and carry it (ok, so he’s not the brightest bulb in the room). Well, I get on it, and he thinks, “Cool!! Playtime!!” and playbows at me. Paws at me. I’m laying on it, doing curls or crunches, and he jumps up on me, or tries to poke the ball out from under me with his nose. Let me tell ya, it’s an interesting way to exercise.

On the other hand, I’ve had him on the treadmill once, already. And he keeps pacing around it and barking at it like he wants to try it again ….

2007-01-29T13:10:00.000-06:00

http://www.gocomics.com/cathy/

Once again, Cathy lives my life. I've added weights and calesthenics on one of those big balls, when I can keep the dog from attacking it... more on that later, 'cause now it's time to eat. I should have a little :/ smiley right there.

2007-01-19T09:28:00.000-06:00

Hmmmm......

What is it about exercise that a half hour on the treadmill at 7 A.M. (or, in yesterday's case, an hour of throwing snow around with a shovel) will ward off an anxiety attack at 10 P.M.? It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I mean, I could see, if I got on the treadmill when I felt the attack coming on, how it would help get rid of it, but more than 12 hours apart? Very weird. Not that I'm complaining... just wondering.

2007-01-18T08:20:00.000-06:00

The ATTACK of the PURGES

(I couldn't format this post, since the text buttons didn't show up, so it's going to have to look out of place with everything else. ahh well)

On quiet cat feet, it approaches. Quietly, it stalks me while I am working, or worse, as I settle myself to sleep at night. Slowly, it takes hold, squeezing. gently at first, so I don’t know it’s there. Then it gradually makes itself known, taking each rib in it’s icy fist and tightening, tightening, until I can’t fight it off. I have to let it come. I take slow, deep breaths, like you learn in yoga. The first time, I was afraid. I got tingly and dizzy. Worried that I was having a heart attack or something. But I kept with the yoga breathing, and it went away. So I keep doing it, and it goes away, quietly and slowly as it came, until it’s gone. But it stays with me, always threatening to come back, when I least expect it.

I’m having panic attacks again. One a day for the past week. And I’ve made a “duh!” discovery… a duh-scovery!!! (I crack myself up… har har har!!) If I do some sort of exercise - and that doesn’t include cleaning the house, which has become just one more of my daily activities - some sort of actual exercise, like the treadmill or shoveling snow, I can go a day without an attack. So I’m exercising now, out of self-defense. I hate those attacks. And the worst part is, the more I think about how much I hate them, the worse they are. And when they are squeezing my chest, and all I can think is “GO AWAY!!! GO AWAY!!!” It gets worse. So the exercise helps.

On another front, I’ve started cleaning things out. Started yesterday with my closet. Got rid of three boxes (overflowing) of clothes. A lot of stuff that I was keeping in case “I ever grew back into them”. Size 10’s from college, for Pete’s sake!! Even if I ever DID fit back into that stuff, it’d be so outdated that I would never want to wear it. Torn up stuff that maybe someday, I’d get a sewing machine, and then I could fix it. Stuff that I wore in another lifetime - business suits and vests - that I probably will never wear again.

It was liberating, for me AND for my overstuffed closet. Now I have tons of hangars for drying the clothes that I do wear. I have a ton of closet space. More drawer space, too, since I did part of my dresser, too. And I have a little more space in my head. I don’t have those things weighing me down anymore. I don’t feel guilty about not wearing them anymore. Now, if - no, WHEN - I lose the weight, I don’t have to conform to anything. I can do it for the right reasons… health, lack of panic attacks, better moods… and not so I can fit into some outdated image of myself that is trying to live on in my head. I can move forward from here.

Next, maybe I’ll attack the garage. But only when it gets a little warmer. Right now, I’d be an icicle within five minutes. But I will definitely get out and shovel today. It’s finally warm enough that I can bring J. outside and we can do the driveway. He had a blast on Monday, shoveling the patio. A job that should have taken me 30 minutes to accomplish took TWO HOURS. It’s so nice to have a “helper”!! He just kept piling all that snow that I’d just shoveled back into the clean spots. But it was fun. So we’ll do it again, on the driveway. We’ll probably be out there all day long.

2006-12-08T16:24:00.000-06:00

i will not give up. I will NOT give up. I WILL NOT give up.

I. WILL. NOT. GIVE. UP.

(no matter how yummy Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream is...)

2006-12-06T16:07:00.000-06:00

Back on the 'Horse', again

I got back on the treadmill today. 30 minutes at 2.5 mph. Did about a mile and a half. Was tired and winded when I finished. It illustrates to me how much I’ve backslid (is that even a word?) since the last time I posted. I was on my way into a big funk when I wrote that. Frankly, I don’t even remember what I wrote, but I know how I’ve felt in the last few months. Life hasn’t been very kind - four months with my family split between two states, and now dealing with a lack of income. And Christmas is coming up, so I’m in a constant fight against depression. I feel like crying every minute of the day. I’m constantly reaching for snacks - alternating between chip-type snacks and sweets like cookies - and drinking diet soda to make the depression go away. But today, after eating a “snack” bag (have you SEEN how big “snack” sizes have gotten?) of potato chips and feeling crappy about it, I decided that I needed to do something else. So I got on the mill again. No speed, no pushing it, just walking. Gonna try again, this time working with slow and steady. I also have tossed the other bag of potato chips. I have nuts if I get peckish. At least there’s redeeming food value in nuts (they’re raw, by the way, and not salted).

I’ve also jumped on the Oprah bandwagon. Ok, not on HER bandwagon, as such, but the doctors that she endorses, and I went and bought the “YOU on a Diet” book. Overall, it’s pretty cool. Makes sense. There’s some triteness to it (I get awful tired of the references to pop culture… just get ON with the lesson, please), but overall, it’s a good book. It’s where I got the idea to nosh on nuts instead of chips.

2006-09-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

“What I fear, I create.”

Ok, I’ll admit it. I just heard that on Dr. Phil, which I have on in anticipation of hopping on the treadmill. I was lacing up my shoes (honestly, I was), and he said that: “What I fear, I create.” And a little light bulb went on in my brain. That’s been my problem here… why I don’t exercise like I should. Why I eat like I shouldn’t, but do. I am creating that which I fear.

I fear failure. I am afraid that I won’t succeed in this. I want it more than anything in the world. But I am also completely, utterly afraid that I won’t be able to do it. That even if I get started, and am doing well, that I will once again gain the weight back, and fail. I come from a family of achievers. My parents are in their 70’s, but act like they aren’t a day over 50. They think like they’re 30. Both work out several times a week, running, walking, lifting weights, playing games, competing in Senior Games. My oldest brother, M, is a nutcase, but a fit one. Ok, both of my big brothers are nutcases. The oldest one is a fitness guy - he runs, works out, and is always up for a game of whatever. My other brother, J, also works out. Three times a week, he’s in the gym on the bike and lifting weights. He’s not as fit as M, but he won’t have a heart attack if called upon to run down the street. My nephew, mentioned in other posts, is a power lifter. My niece is a high school soccer fiend who is now in college studying to be a sports doctor. And all are successful. I’ve been brought up in an atmosphere of fitness. Be thin, stay thin. Be healthy, stay healthy.

I have already failed. I am not thin, nor am I healthy. Now I want to get thin and healthy, but I am also deathly afraid of failing, especially when I look at all of those around me who are so successful at what they do. So, I sabotage myself. Or I just don’t do it at all. “What I fear, I create.”

2006-09-06T13:22:00.000-05:00

Supplement Befuddlement

My nephew is a power lifter. At around 5’10” and 165 lbs, he bench presses close to (or maybe over, by now) 330 lb. To achieve this, he works out like crazy, eats enough to feed several small villages, and takes protein supplements. He doesn’t take the crap - the steroids, the growth hormones (HGH), the stuff that’ll mess you up. But he does consume that protein stuff on a regular basis. My uncle used to lift weights, too, and I remember him whipping up what he called “Wildcat”, and what my mom called “wallpaper paste”… mmm, tasty.

I’ve never heard anything bad about the protein supplements. Steroids? yes. HGH? yes. But not the protein. Do they work? I don’t know. Looking at my nephew, I would say he’s certainly doing something right. All this is bringing us to this: what about weight-loss supplements? Every time I try to research supplements, I get mixed reviews - chromium picolinate? Yes it works, no it doesn’t. CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid)? Yes, it works, no it doesn’t. Hoodia, Green Tea, Ginseng? Mixed reviews, all. Ephedra will kill you. But the rest? Not only do you get mixed reviews on them, there’s also an underlying judgment that goes along with it. Talk to a doctor, a relative, pretty much anyone who doesn’t stand to make a buck off of the supplement, and you hear, “oh, those supplements, they’re no good. They [insert statement here: don't work, will mess you up, are 'cheating']"

So WHY don’t they work? Exactly HOW will they mess you up? (Ok, I get the Ephedra thing. Point taken with that one.) And WHY is it considered “cheating” to take a supplement to help me lose weight? I take a vitamin every day to make sure that I’m getting everything I need, alphabet-wise. My nephew downs that protein stuff. People take medications all the time to help alleviate any number of maladies, both real and perceived. All of THOSE occurrences are not cheating, but getting supplemental help with weight loss IS cheating??? WHAT????

Which begs the next question… are there truly any good supplements for weight-loss out there? Yeah, I know it took x-number of years to put it on, and it’s not coming off overnight. I know that exercise and proper diet are the keys, and keeping a positive attitude will make or break you. I KNOW all of that. BUT… isn’t there something out there that can give me a boost without liquefying my innards or melting my brain???

…and don’t even get me STARTED on the hypocrisy of the “diet industry”… believe me, if it were possible to ‘lose all the weight you want while eating pizza and chocolate cake’, I’d look like Paris Hilton (gaaaak, by the way)

2006-09-04T16:30:00.000-05:00

Getting back into the swing.

It’s tough, but I’m doing it. Took Saturday off… yeah, I shouldn’t have, but for some reason, Saturday just isn’t a “workout” day. I can do Sundays, but Saturdays never work. Didn’t do anything yesterday because I just ran out of time... but I did a lot of walking and playing with J, so that sort of makes up for it. sort of.... Anyway, recognizing that if I didn’t do something today, I’d be dropping back into a dangerous trend, I got back on the treadmill. Did 25 minutes at 3.3 mph. Got the heart rate up to about 155, which is already better than Friday, when I was still coming off of that cold. I felt much better today, and didn’t want to push it. Tomorrow, I plan to be back to the 30 minutes that I was doing a while back. And I plan to jog/run at least a part of it.

2006-09-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

Starting Over

What was I thinking, letting the CRAP of the last month and a half take over? For three days now, I’ve gotten on the treadmill and walked - not run, like I used to - for about 25 minutes. Boy, what I lost in that short time. The last logged jog on the treadmill was on June 22. I went 1.1 miles for 20 minutes, at about 2.7 mph. HR peaked at 170. This was “running”, slower than a walk, yes, but technically running. Today, I did 1.22 miles at a walk, speed 3.2, time 23.22. Heart rate was 160, and I felt like I was going to collapse.

So I’m starting over. Different short-term goals, same long-term goal. Short term goals are this: lose 10 lbs, run 3-point-some-odd-miles (shooting for a 5K) without requiring medical care, eat better. As each goal is ticked off, I’ll add another one. For example, I lose 10 lbs… new goal is “lose ANOTHER 10 lbs”. Once I hit the 5K mark, I’ll start working on either speed or longer distance… we’ll see. The eating thing is an ongoing quest, because you can never really accomplish that goal. Although I guess I can say things like, “no boredom eating” or “no emotional eating”. But right now, since I haven’t been doing either of those (except the other night when I found Fudge-Ripple Ice Cream after looking for like, FIVE YEARS, and had some. But I consider that celebratory eating, not boredom or emotional, so it doesn’t count. much). Anyway, since I haven’t been eating out of boredom or bad emotions, I intend to slowly revamp the diet. I tend to eat crappy when I don’t think about it, so that’s first on the agenda.

My biggest hurdle right now is making the exercise something that I look forward to doing, rather than something I dread. How do you do that? When I go out and play, I don’t get the heart rate up to that “fat-burning” range. Using the treadmill is my best bet right now. I’m using videos to distract me (yeah, yeah, “friends don’t let friends watch Friends”, but it gets me through the half hour), and it works once I get going. But dragging my butt to that machine… it’s a Herculean effort.

2006-08-23T16:56:00.000-05:00

Never Give Up

Well, I got back on the treadmill today. Picked a lousy day for it. I’m coming off a cold, which always settle in my chest, so I couldn’t do much. Then Cruiser tried to get on with me, but just ended up barking his fool head off instead, while we played fetch. Ever try playing fetch while you’re on a treadmill? It doesn’t work very well - something which was demonstrated to me in glittering detail when I fell off. Oh, it was glorious… I did the splits. I haven’t done the splits since I was 12, and even then I couldn’t do them very well. But I misstepped on the treadmill, one foot went on the platform in front of the belt, the other food stayed on the belt and traveled backwards. And I ended up doing the splits because I didn’t have the presence of mind to just let go. And to top things off, when I finally DID let go and fell completely off (shot off backward into a wall, thank you very much), Cruise thought this was a new game and pounced on me. Life is never dull.

But I got back on. Did 23 minutes and change - a little over a mile (I’m shooting for 3.5 or so, whatever a 5K is). Got the heart rate up to 160. I’m sweating like a horse (pigs don’t sweat), and have a lovely skinned knee and bruises on my butt. And I feel better that I did it.

2006-07-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

The Whole Problem (apologies for the length, but I needed to vent)

I have Binge Eating Disorder. That means, in a nutshell, that I eat huge amounts of food even though I’m not hungry. I often do it secretly, or I hide food, like a raccoon, for later. I’m addicted to food. It gets worse during periods of stress.

I was diagnosed (yes, by an actual doctor) with this in 2001. I was a relief to finally have someone say, “yes, there is something wrong, you’re not just fat and stupid”. Of course, having your doctor tell you that, and then trying to get the insurance companies to understand it are two completely different things. My doctor recommended an eating disorders clinic for treatment. My insurance company said, no, you will go to this family counselor. So I went to him. And one of the “solutions” he proposed was, “when you feel like you want to overeat, just have a bowl of cereal”. Ok, yeah. Great idea, Joe! Except that I won’t have a bowl, I’LL EAT THE WHOLE DAMN BOX!!! Thanks for the help. Here’s your $120. This is what I get from a therapist who looks like Leslie Nielson, and tells me about his anorexic patients. Another brilliant therapeutic tactic - tell your compulsive eater about the trouble your anorexic patient is having eating a pea!! That guy was a font of great advice, lemme tell ya.

Once, when we were discussing stress and triggers, I told him about the “Beer Can Incident”. The Beer Can Incident is this: I cleaned the apartment. It was shining, spotless, a showplace. Husband came home from work, and popped a beer. We had dinner, did the usual TV thing, and went to bed. I got up the next morning, and there was the beer can, sitting on the coffee table. It ticked me off - I’d spent the whole day before cleaning, scrubbing, vacuuming, and he was inconsiderate enough to leave his beer can just sitting there. How hard is it to put it in the garbage? So I left it, to see how long it would sit there. It was there for more than a week. He wouldn’t throw it away because he had some bizarre idea that I should pitch it, and I felt that he should. So what does this have to do with Dr. Neilson? I told him about it, that sometimes I had this nonsense going on, that it was stupid, but it was a stressor. And he says, “Oh, now really, if I asked your husband if this story was true, what would he say?” LIKE I WAS LYING TO HIM!!! I told him that hubby would concur, because he’d admitted to me that HE was waiting ME out. Childish, yes. Stupid, yes. But absolute fact. And Leslie questions me. Shortly after that exchange, I quit seeing him, and went out on my own. Figured I couldn’t do any worse, and I’d save some money. 120 bucks (ok, 20 for me, 100 for the insurance company) a week for this doofus to tell me to eat cereal and ask if I was telling him the truth.

So. Back to present day. Here I sit, with stress swirling around me, wanting to eat every second of every day. I’m trying to sell my house, my husband is living four hours away, my son has been sick for a week, my uncle is on his death bed, and I have a ton of things to do. I want to eat. I want to eat like there’s a famine right around the corner. I have slipped back into the old ways… I pass a fast-food joint, and want to stop. This causes a war in my head, with half my brain screaming, “IF YOU DON’T STOP, YOU’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER GET IT AGAIN!!!” And the other half saying, “no, you’re not hungry. And so what if you never get it again? It’s freakin’ McDonalds!!” (don’t even get me started on pizza!) I know I’m eating badly, I know I’m not exercising like I should. But I’m caught in this addiction - yes, it’s an addiction - and I can’t get out.

Sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic. I know that sounds weird, but if I have to be addicted to something, I want it to be something that I can just give up. Go cold turkey. But you can’t quit eating. That presents a whole cornucopia of problems, death among them. That would definitely ruin my day. But being addicted to food? First, you can’t tell anyone (except, of course, the millions of people who use the internet every day…), because if you tell them you’re addicted to food, they just look at you with that look on their face and say, “well, just don’t eat as much”. Would they ever tell an alcoholic, “well, just don’t drink”? No. They would change their drink order from a martini to club soda, so the temptation is gone. But tell someone that you have Binge/Compulsive Eating Disorder, and they offer you a cookie, because either they just flat out don’t believe you, or they think it’s just a matter of willpower, and they have this perverse need to test you. Or they suggest something inane like, “just eat one teaspoon of ice cream… it’s so satisfying.” Yes, someone actually offered that advice. I replied with, “naah, the entire HALF GALLON is what does it for me!” Pisses me off.

So that’s where I am. Stuck in a vortex of stress and eating. Trying to get out, KNOWING I need to get some control, but just too physically and emotionally tired out to do anything about it. Maybe later. Right now, there’s a box of cookies with my name on it…

2006-07-10T17:39:00.000-05:00

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Been really neglecting the organized exercise part of my program lately. I have, however, kicked up the fresh produce part. Love those farmer’s markets!

I’m feeling better these days, because even though I haven’t been doing dedicated exercise, which I definitely feel guilty about, I am getting exercise, lugging boxes up and down stairs as I organize for both a move and a garage sale. I’m also clearing brush/weeds off of the property, which requires me to walk up and down a very steep driveway, so I am, at the very least, holding steady. Maybe even getting a little stronger, with all that lifting...

Got a good boost last night. Saw an old friend that I haven’t seen in a while… I got out of the car, and her first words were, “Wow!! You look GREAT!” I got all warm inside. So even though I’m mentally beating myself up pretty well, I guess I’m not doing so bad. I’m impatient, and want the pounds to just melt away, but I get distracted by life, so it doesn’t happen like it does in the commercials or those “She lost 200 lbs!!!” magazine articles. “The weight just melted away!” uh, huh. suuuuure it did… What, exactly, does that contract with the Devil say?
Anyway, it’s little things like those compliments that bring you ‘round to reality and realize that sometimes you are doing the right thing without even realizing it.

2006-07-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

The Downside of Stress

I have been abusing my body something awful lately. My body and my mind. And I don’t feel like I can stop. The stress, while I act like it isn’t there, is weighing on me, and the way I handle stress, I am ashamed to admit, is to eat large quantities of fat and sugar. That and just plow through whatever is bugging me so I can emerge on the other side and read a book.

So I plow on, fueling my body with cookies and fast food, and hate myself for it. I don’t get on the treadmill, because even though I desperately need it, my brain pushes me to do other things, instead… “you should be cleaning the bathroom, not doing this. This can wait, and the bathroom can’t. The realtor will be here soon.” And so the bathroom gets cleaned, the treadmill stays folded, and I grab a soda because I’m thirsty and stressed.

My brain spins, my sense of duty (to everyone but myself) slaps it to try and make it stop, and my body suffers for it.

I wish I was one of those people for whom exercise is their stress outlet. I would gladly trade my cookie habit for it. I keep telling myself that I CAN be one of those people, but it’s not that easy. It’s a Herculean effort, sometimes, to get on that treadmill and do what needs to be done, especially in the face of everything ELSE that needs to be done. My mind just churns… “it’s gotta get done, it’s gotta get done” and so my body churns, too, with the chores I tick off of the list, one by one.

And the treadmill gathers dust.

And I grow more and more ashamed of myself. I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore, it disgusts me so much.

2006-06-21T08:55:00.000-05:00

MY BODY DOESN'T HATE ME!!!

Ugh. I wanted to paste another cartoon here, but THE SHORTCUT KEYS ARE STILL MISSING!!!! So here's what it was supposed to be: http://www.foxtrot.com for Wed, June 21.

Well, it seems my body doesn’t hate me nearly as much as I thought. Yesterday, a HUGE amount of stress was lifted - husband landed new job - and this morning, I stepped on the scale expecting to reap the “rewards” of a couple weeks of sloth and stress-induced bingeing. Nope. 229. Still a pound to go to reach the lowest point, but it was much better news than I had anticipated. I expected major trouble - 5 lbs or more. Ahhh, sometimes it’s nice to be wrong.

Managed to get on the treadmill before craziness of the day (and the rest of the week) starts. Did a solid 20-minute snail-pace “run”. I feel like maybe I can do more, but about that time, my knee starts to wobble, so in the interest of non-paralysis, I’m taking it conservatively. Maybe I need to do a better warmup.

2006-06-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

Stress, and more stress

forgive the lack of fanciness... my edit tool bar has disappeared, and I can't get it back)

Halfway through my second sandwich at lunch today, I realized that I was stress-eating. Simply put, today wasn’t going as planned. I had things scheduled, people cancelled. I had arrangements made, they fell through. I stressed. Big time. The first wasn’t a big deal. The second was. The arrangements were to get my dog from Alaska to Chicago. The plane was full, and I freaked. Made a bunch of phone calls, and settled in to do the waiting game. Managed to get through the morning by playing with J, cleaning, and getting organized for the rest of the week. After lunch, J went down for his nap, my distraction went away, and the hunger pangs started. I ate a healthy sandwich - chicken, veggies, and some cheese. Twenty or thirty minutes passed, and I was still hungry. So I made a second sandwich, this time not-so-healthy salami. I should have had some of the pasta (whole wheat) salad that’s in there. (made it over the weekend… YUM… sauté three seeded, chopped Roma tomatoes in olive oil and garlic. Add a generous amount of Basil, and a little salt and pepper. Pour over prepared and cooled whole wheat pasta, toss. Add ½ - ¾ c. diced mozzarella, toss again, and refrigerate.)

After eating that second sandwich, I felt REALLY crappy. Not so much physically, but I was totally stressed out, and beating myself up for eating that sandwich. But I couldn’t leave the phone, so I got back on, made another round of calls, and eventually, the doggie situation straightened itself out. I’m still not sure how, but I’m not askin’. So I decided to redeem myself by getting in a workout. Did 20 solid minutes of running on the treadmill, with a warm up and cool down, plus a round on the big ball (crunches, etc). Now I’m all sweaty, but I feel MUCH, much better.

2006-06-16T17:43:00.000-05:00

OH, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN (what happened to my editing tools? I have NO editing tools!!!)

I ran today. After a 12-day sabbatical/sloth-a-thon, I got back on the treadmill. I ran at 2.7 mph for 5 minutes, walked for 3, ran for 5, walked for 2, ran another 5, and about fell off the machine, tired but not hurting. Ended up doing about the same 1.3 miles, so I guess I didn’t lose too awful much during that time, but I had such high hopes for summer when I started. I was going to be down at LEAST a dress size by now - firmly into a 16 - and be jiggling less. Be over these damnable sugar cravings that rule my every waking hour. I wanted to at least be close to breaking back into the 100’s. But I still hover around 230. I gained back 2.5 of those pounds I lost. Not bad, considering how BAD I’ve been, but still. So I went back to my mantra… Baby Steps… and got back on the mill today. I will eat a healthy dinner, and continue taking it a minute at a time, if that’s what I have to do. And I guess I need to be a little harder on myself. I keep forgiving myself for every little infraction - every cookie, every soda, every excuse not to exercise. Looks like THAT’S not working…

2006-06-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

Once again, Cathy is living my life.

2006-06-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

Injured

Sorry I haven't been posting the last several days. Seems I pulled my hamstring somewhere along the line. I've been resting it - as much as a mother of a two year old can rest anything - and attempting to do R.I.C.E., but how do you elevate a hamstring? My husband suggests I stand on my head. He's a funny man, that one.

I'm not sure how long this is going to take to get me back on the program. On one hand, I'm enjoying the slothness, but on the other, I'm very frustrated by the restrictions suddenly placed on me. Can barely walk, let alone run. Hopefully, it'll be healed soon.

2006-06-06T09:44:00.000-05:00

Cathy Tries on a Swimsuit

The story of my life. http://www.ucomics.com/cathy for June 6, 2006. Well, stink, I wanted to post the strip here, but it wouldn't paste. She's been trying to buy a swimsuit for a week now, at least. And I'm wondering how she got into the dressing room with me...

Went for a run this morning, but it didn't work out as I'd planned. I was using a new pair of shoes, and apparently the laces are too short, because the shoes were too tight, and I started getting cramps in my feet like I do when I wear too-small ice skates. The outer edge of my foot cramps up so bad that I can't put weight on it. So I had to abort the run and return home. Took off the shoes, allowed the blood to flow back into my feet, and resolved to get longer laces today. If the rain passes, I'll go bike riding this afternoon.

All of this makes me want to go on a long winded rant about the uselessness of the current fad of shoelaces - those round, stretchy things that are always too short for the shoes they're supposed to hold shut. But I'll stop now.

Go read Cathy, and enjoy the Armageddon. 6/6/06, you know.

2006-06-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

1.3

I ran 1.3 miles tonight. My version of running, of course, which remains the snail's pace, but I ran it. The first couple of houses - I pass 4 houses and a shed - I felt like I was about to collapse. My ankles were protesting, my knees were arguing with my ankles over who hurt worse, with my back throwing the occasional insult in there. But suddenly, after that second mailbox passed, everyone shut up, and I just enjoyed the run. Never thought I'd say that. Never in a million-billion years. "I enjoyed the run" What a concept! Here's another one: it was a beautiful night for a run. Probably 75 degrees, very low humidity, slight breeze, not enough to ruffle, just enough to be soft. Nice sunset. If I was at home, I'd be looking for a glass of Countrytime Lemonade. It was that kind of evening. And I enjoyed running through it. Wow. Whoda thunkit???

2006-06-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

A Run in the Country

I went for a run this morning. Got up at 6 and thought it was all for naught when I heard J crying. Got him re-settled and got dressed and headed out by 6:45 (ok, I poked). Walked to the bottom of the driveway and out on the street and realized that I didn’t have sunglasses. Went back up the driveway (no small feat, it’s almost a 45 degree angle), and got a baseball cap out of the truck. Went back down the driveway and counted that little jaunt as my warm-up. Started “running” at the bottom of the driveway. I think I run slower than I saunter - I was going really slow. I actually noticed that at one point, I was racing a snail. He was winning. I was mortified. Picked up the pace and nearly passed out. So I walked. Heart rate was around 156, so that was good. Even by walking, I was able to keep it up. Began running again, making my goal to “run” to the river. About a third of the way there, I realized that I was hotter than I like to be, so I paused and took off my sweatshirt and hung it on a neighbor’s mailbox, which sent his dog into fits of barking. Calmed the dog and continued on. I got about halfway to the river and turned around, still running, but a little more realistic about my goal. I wasn’t going to make it there today. Going back, I started taking note of my surroundings. I was running ankle-deep in loose gravel, but the alternative was to run in knee-deep weeds. I stuck to the gravel, figuring that I could stay in the tire-worn patches. Came around a turn, retrieved my sweatshirt, started the dog at his din again, and continued at my snail’s pace past his house. There, I was picked up by the family horse, a nice buckskin who moseyed alongside me as if to give me moral support. He had enough class to not graze as he walked beside me, even though we were going slow enough that he could have. By this time, my body was saying, “Please, no more!!” But I’d gotten into a rhythm by now, and even had a mantra running through my head… “fat, fat, go away, never again come my way”… repeated it with the footfalls. Left the buckskin’s pasture, waved goodbye to my “running” partner, and looked toward my house. Uphill. Crap. Ok, I can do this. Great, now I have a headwind. Strong enough to almost ruffle the weeds next to the road. But I can do it… fat, fat go away, never again come my way… just a few more steps, get to the mailbox. Got there… keep going… a few more steps… puff puff puff… fat, fat go away, never again come my way… just to the corner. MADE IT!!! I rewarded myself by walking from the corner to my driveway, picking tall clover along the way for my ponies, then spending a few minutes feeding them. Chips Ahoy, the tiniest of the babies (no bigger than a lamb), even got brave enough to take a stalk out of my hand.

It was a good morning.

2006-06-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

I'm so mad at myself that I can't think of a title

Ok. Well. I have TOTALLY blown this whole project clean out of the water. Been gone for a week. Ate like crap. Exercised very little. Granted, during the few bits of exercise I got, I didn’t collapse on the floor, gasping for breath and clutching my heart, but still.

We returned yesterday. Went to bed at a decent hour, so I figured I’d get up early and run. Woke at about 6, and said to myself, “five more minutes, then I’m outta bed”. Five minutes later, it was 8:55. I got up, showered and came down to fetch J from bed. He was still asleep, too. Hubby was crashed on the couch, still in his clothes from last night when he sat down to watch a PBS special, and fell asleep. Seems the trip took it out of all of us.

So I made a healthy breakfast (cottage cheese and nectarines, yummy, and an egg, also yummy), and cursed it an hour later by giving in to a chocolate-chip cookie craving. Intended to hit the treadmill this afternoon, instead, spent the time on the internet looking for another house. Did I mention that we might be moving? No stress. No, none at all….

I am resolving to get back on track tomorrow morning. I have my handy-dandy little notebook here, in which I will record every morsel that passes my lips. I have four AA batteries ready to replace the ones that died in my scale (three weeks ago….). I am ready to hit the road - OUTSIDE if the weather cooperates - so I can try and run first thing in the morning (if the weather’s bad, I’ll treadmill). I WILL get over this cockiness, laziness, or whatever it is that is keeping me from doing what I’m supposed to do to accomplish this goal.

2006-05-26T08:08:00.000-05:00

Walking Surprises

Spent the last few days in Minneapolis. We stayed in a hotel with an exercise room, but no place for me to stash J, so he and I made use of the sidewalks instead. Walked like crazy both days we were there. How does a three-hour walk/stroll, pushing a 27 lb. kid in an SUV-like stroller compare to a 30-minute interval on the treadmill? I have no idea, but I was pleasantly surprised by the whole thing. A couple of months ago, if I'd tried to walk for only a half hour, I'd have been dead on the sidewalk. Not gasping for air, but with sore ankles, and completely worn out. This time, I walked a good three or four miles on Tuesday night and lord only knows how many on Wednesday. Ended up taking a catnap on Wed, mostly because it was the only way to get The Boy to sleep... make the room dark and quiet. But I never felt totally shagged out, exhausted, all of that. Another clue that I'm doing the right thing. Now if I can just get my eating in line... Ever try to eat right while on the road? Damn near impossible. Even if you get salads at the fast food joints, they manage to sneak in crap. So I bag it. Eat well, but don't stress over it. And then get back to it when you get home.

And now we're off again, so posting is going to be sporadic. See you when life calms down......

2006-05-23T08:27:00.000-05:00

Progress, slow but sure

I ran through the Target parking lot yesterday, pushing J in the “chariot” (shopping cart). He was laughing like a loon, I was laughing, and only puffing a tiny bit. It was only when we got to the truck - about halfway down the aisle - that I realized how far I ran, and that I wasn’t anywhere NEAR collapsing, like I would have been a couple of months ago. So I guess, even if my head’s not always in the game, my body is still reaping the rewards of the ‘go for it’ part of the brain.

I did another interval run this morning, remembering that I wasn’t on the Caddilac Precor, but on my Pinto Proform. I did much better. Got in all 5 run intervals. One of them, I did at 4.8, which spiked my HR at 182. When I saw that, and realized I was literally gasping, I slowed it down a bit. The knee held up pretty good. I got a little bit of protest during the warm-up and the first run, but after that, I felt pretty good.

We’re going again, hopefully I’ll be able to keep up the workouts. I know I’ll be walking a lot, but I don’t know if it’ll be “good” walking - getting the HR up there.

2006-05-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

Mental Aerobics

I have GOT to get my head back in the game. It just doesn’t want to be there. I get on the treadmill, and immediately I’m trying to find reasons to get off. I started an interval run this morning - shorter workout because I have to get packing and a million other things done today before we go tomorrow again - and got through almost three of the runs, at 5 min, 10 min, and 15 min. Halfway through the 15 minute run, there was a shooting pain through my kneecap, and I almost fell off the mill. So I backed off the run, walked slow for a minute or two, then moved into a faster walk with full incline for the rest of the time. I don’t know if this is a mental game - if my brain wanted to loaf SO much that it told my knee to hurt, or if there is really something wrong (other than the usual knee problems that don’t act this way). Either way, the non-loafing half of my brain isn’t having any of it. That’s why I stayed on, and just switched tactics. I still kept the heart rate above 140, so I don’t consider it a total loss.

My big problem here is that I’ve hit that “cocky” point that I’ve talked about before. I can see results, both physically and on the scale, and I am getting cocky and less vigilant. That, combined with all this traveling we’re doing, is working against me. As of this morning, I am back to the food diary to see if that helps.

2006-05-20T22:43:00.000-05:00

Back again

As it turned out, I DID have access to a treadmill one of the days I was gone. It was a lovely thing. The Cadillac of all treadmills. A Precor. Ahh…. so nice and smooth, quiet, with every bell and whistle you could possibly want. Except maybe someone to actually exercise for you. And you know what? I had an awful workout. Ok, it wasn’t awful, but I didn’t sweat a bit. I walked faster than usual. I ran faster than usual. And didn’t feel like I was working at all! It took longer and faster walks and runs to get my heart rate up. As much as I hate to admit it, my old, alley junked Proform gives me a better workout by making me work harder. Who knew? Now, if you want to discuss ellipticals… that’s another story. I got off of the Precor and did another ten or fifteen minutes on an elliptical, and it whipped me good. When it comes time to replace my treadmill, I think that’s the way I’m going to go.

On other topics… the stress has ramped up again, and I’m finding myself craving bad stuff. Sugar, mostly, in the form of cookies. They are my ultimate weakness, and I tend to binge on them when they’re near me. Junk food comes in close second, but I generally take a handful of junk and move on, so it’s not as deadly. I hate moving. I don’t mind experiencing new places, but the whole upheaval of packing up your life and setting it down somewhere else is just draining. But that’s exactly what we could be facing, and it’s stressing me out big time. So I pace around here, bad tempered, looking for something - anything - sweet and crunchy (cookies) to nosh…eh, BINGE… on. And get grumpier when I don’t find it. It’s infuriating that I can't control this. Why can't I be like normal people and just punch something when I get stressed? Oh, no... I have to go on an eating fest. It totally ****es me off.

On a better note, over the week I was gone, I saw some friends. One of them ran up to me, and after giving me the "it's so good to see you" hug, held me at arms length and said, "you look awesome!" Boy, oh, boy did that feel good!!! Especially since, earlier that evening, I had a "husband" moment...

Listen up, guys... and learn from this: when your wife asks you "how do I look in this?", there are two deadly answers: the first is obvious... "fat". The second is not so obvious, but it's also one word. That word is "fine". Do NOT say your wife looks "fine", unless you mean, "honey, you look fiiiiiiiiine". If you mean it that way, DRAG IT OUT THAT WAY. Don't just give a "fine" in that dismissive, clipped voice. "good" is better. "wonderful" is perfectly acceptable. Even something like, "I'm sorry honey, but that outfit/color just doesn't suit you" is compassionate and will get the point across that she shouldn't be wearing it. And it should keep you out of trouble if she's any kind of woman.

But tell her she looks "fine", and expect a frying pan upside the head.

2006-05-10T18:14:00.000-05:00

If Wishes were Horses….

… I’d have a full pasture and several Olympic Gold Medals lining the walls of my tack room. I’d also be a size six. And have hair that did what I wanted it to every single day. And I’d have a Jeep Wrangler. And I wouldn’t have to wear glasses. And I’d be very rich. Not obnoxiously rich, just rich enough to have what I want and not have to work for a living. Not that I do, since I stay at home, but… well, I’m off the track here. But that’s what was going through my head while I was treadmilling today. And then I let it all go and concentrated on what we were watching. J was with me today, and he wanted to watch “Robin Hood”, my very favoritist Disney Movie of all time. This is the animated one. And just when it was starting to get really hard to be treading, they got to the “football game” part, where the chicken takes on the elephant guards. They start playing the University of Wisconsin fight song, and suddenly, my pace picked up, and I wasn’t tired anymore. It’s amazing how music makes everything easier. I wish (here we go again) I had an iPod so I could program workout music to play while I’m treading. Of course, that would hamper the watching thing, but I’d work it out somehow.
Anyhow, I’m off to visit people for the weekend, so I don’t know if I’ll be posting. I won’t have access to a treadmill, either, so we’ll see what happens with the walking. But I’ll be back to the routine on Monday or Tuesday.

2006-05-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

Pain is Temporary

I almost didn’t get on the treadmill today. And when I did, even though I knew I should do 40 minutes at my target heart rate (between 140-170 bpm), I wasn’t intending to do it. First, because all day long, I’ve been dealing with a wonky knee. Felt like the knee cap wanted to pop out of joint all day. I don’t know why, it just hurt. Second, because there were a thousand things running through my head that have to be done, and why should I waste almost an hour exercising when I could use that hour doing something "productive"?

Well, I didn't like THAT reasoning, so I got on the treadmill, did the five minute warm-up, and kept going. And going. And going. Before I knew it, 20 minutes had passed. Then 30. I hit 45 and it was time to stop already! And my knee is fine. Feels better now than when I got on. So I guess that’s another lesson learned, although I’ve been told to do it all my life - pain is temporary, you can push through some of it. So I pushed, and I’m glad that I did.

2006-05-08T23:37:00.000-05:00

Afraid to look at the scale

Oh, how bad I've been. For the last four(?) days, I have been avoiding the treadmill like the plague. Not that I haven't wanted to work out, I just had soooo much to do. And yes, I know how lame that sounds. And yes, it is a bit of an excuse. It's also the truth. The problem is Time Management. I am Time Management Challenged. I always have been. So I do things at my own pace, and then all of a sudden it has to be done rightnow, and I go into "Flight of the Bumblebee" mode, and it gets done, but other things fall by the wayside. And the 'mill - and, by extension, ME - fall by the wayside. So I feel bad about it. So I eat. Oh, how badly I've eaten this weekend. All last week. I blame myself, mostly. A little tiny bit of it, I blame on the hormone thing... I crave sugar like it's endangered, and during that week, I feel like I can't get enough food in me. The little thing that says, "enough, already" goes on a week's vacation, and I end up looking and feeling like the Goodyear Blimp.

I'm afraid to look at the scale.

But nighttime is when I feel most inspired, for some reason. Perhaps it's because the stresses of the day are past, and what's done is done, and there's nothing you can do about them. And because Tomorrow is still a thought, and Anything can happen Tomorrow. So at night, I can plan, I can set goals. I can make commitments to myself and say, "this is going to happen". I just have to make sure that when I get up in the morning, it DOES happen.

I found a hilarious post at Joy Unexpected. Oh, I'm familiar with those Weight Watcher's meetings, and she pins a good one. And she went through the same trip-up that I just did. But she's lost 72 lbs to my 12. So I've got a ways to go. But I can do it.

Oh, and by the way... that lovely bay I talked about the other day? An escapee from the farm across the street. He's their stud, and he scented mares. Broke out of his stall, ran down the street, jumped the fence into my pasture (the quickest way to the mares, he thought), and got stuck. Ended up racing around it most of the day, shrieking, huffing, snorting, stomping, posing, posturing, and generally being a stallion around a bunch of mares. And being VERY frustrated that he was separated from them by a pesky barbed wire fence....

2006-05-07T16:47:00.000-05:00

A Good Horse Fixes Everything...

Oh, I had a weekend. It started Friday. I was in one of those “I’m mad at the world” moods. Grumpy, snippy… I haven’t lost any more weight, and of course, my hormones are at war with me, so I gained a pound or two. I know they’ll go away - they always to, but it’s discouraging. Anyway, I didn’t work out Friday or Saturday. Got up late and went to church this morning, so I didn’t get my tread in today either. But I salvaged the day by doing some heavy manual labor in the barn. My mood has totally changed, too… when we got home from church, there, in my front pasture, were 6 big ponies and three babies! One of those babies is maybe, MAYBE a day old. Sooo cute! (These are the same ponies I spoke of a few days ago - they belong to my neighbor, and he summer’s them in my fields to help me control the pasture grass… and because I can’t get enough of them!) To make the day even better, I looked out my back window, and there was a big, beautiful bay in my back field! He was snorting and blowing and whinnying and carrying on because he’d been separated from the mares, but he was in MY FIELD!!! And it looks like he’s staying for the summer, too. Oh, things could only be better if he was mine! But the barn was a mess, so we went out and cleaned. I worked my upper body instead of my lower. I have a feeling I’m going to be regretting it tomorrow….

2006-05-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

Please, oh PLEASE, like me....

It’s amazing how insecurities manifest themselves. I can feel the cockiness - or what I used to call cockiness, now I’m not so sure - coming back. In the past, I’ve lost up to 15 lbs, but it’s always come back when I’ve lost focus, or been at it too long, or got cocky about being able to eat whatever I wanted. At least that’s what I thought it was. Now I’m not so sure, and this is why: Last night, I was sitting in bed, letting my mind drift, and started thinking over the events of the day. I realized I was obsessing over calling my neighbor to tell her that their ponies had gotten out of the pasture, and that one of them was heading down the street toward my house. Most people would assess this action and think, “that’s mighty neighborly of you, nice going”. Not me. I was actually worried that they didn’t like me because I told them about it. Now, in my (their?) defense, I HAVE had to call them more than once. More like once a month… I swear those ponies are more talented than Houdini. But still, why should I be worried about them liking me, or not, because I tell them their horses are loose? Part of my brain is saying, “it’s because you could just go over there and round them up yourself.” But I can’t. I can’t leave J by himself while I go do that, and I certainly can’t bring him over to help me. He’d just get trampled. So what am I supposed to do? Make the call. But then I obsess over “do they like me?” I know it’s stupid. I know it’s lame. But I do it with everything. Little arguments nag at me for days, weeks, months. Recently, I had an e-mail disagreement with a new friend in town. We resolved it - it was a boneheaded move on my part, and a knee-jerk reaction on hers. We talked about it, laughed it off, and now everything is ok. Or is it? my brain asks, with a sinister sneer. Does she really like me? Is she thinking about that incident every time she sees me? Holding me responsible? Is she really that nice, or is it just an act? This is how messed up I am. Is it any wonder I just keep eating and eating? I don’t want to think about this stuff, so I eat instead. The thing is, I don’t know where all this came from. And I don’t know how to resolve it. The men in my life will say ‘blow it off…’ or ‘who cares if they don’t like you?’ But that’s just it, I DO care. Because if people don’t like me… well, that would just be the end of the world, now, wouldn’t it?

2006-05-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

It Just Feels Different This Time...

Every other time I’ve started an exercise program, I would be looking for an “out”. Trying to figure out how I can shorten the walk, run, whatever I was doing except swimming. Swimming, I had no problem with, I can stay in the pool for hours. But it’s different this time. Oh, I still want OFF that treadmill, right now… but the other half of my brain - the stubborn part - is proving itself to be much stronger. It wants to see that 25th minute pass before I start to slow down. The lazy half of my brain is screaming, “Come ON… there’s cookies in the pantry… you know you want ‘em… look at that recliner over there, doesn’t it look soooo comfy, especially wrapped up in a blanket? We can put in a movie and make popcorn….” this little singsong voice continues in half of my brain until the other half walks over and whacks it.

2006-05-01T14:42:00.000-05:00

Sick Day

Got up this morning… wait, no… WOKE up this morning feeling absolutely crappy. Headache, glrpy stomach… did an internal audit and figured out that either I have the flu or I’m dehydrated. See, I’ve been drinking TONS of water recently, to keep myself out of the soda. And over the weekend, that new habit hit a speed bump. Out doing things, inside doing things, the water just fell by the wayside. Then we had guests, and of course, I drank soda instead of water. So this morning, I felt horrible. Ate a little breakfast, drank a huge glass of O.J., felt a little better. Just in case, I stayed off the treadmill, since I sweat like a horse (did you know that pigs don’t sweat?...that’s why they spend so much time in mud, it’s cooling. So to say that I sweat like a pig means that I don’t sweat at all. Horses, however, sweat like crazy. Have you SEEN horses sweat? All frothy and drippy… and of course, I love every square inch of sweaty drippy horses… but I’m digressing here). So I didn’t work out this morning. And I’m halfway through my first 24-oz glass of water. I feel better already, although the headache is still niggling at the back of my head, threatening to come back if I do to much. So I think today will be another “take it easy” day. I’ll be back at it, gangbusters, tomorrow.

2006-04-30T17:03:00.000-05:00

The Food Part

I’ve been getting very lazy about the food part of this little journey. An unhealthy snack or soda here, an extra portion there, a quick stop for fast food, and I’m almost back to my old eating habits. I’m still losing weight (haven’t posted the new number yet, I’m afraid of jinxing it), but I think it’s due more to the length of time I spend on the treadmill than my “diet”. So I’m going to start cleaning it up again. More salads, less crap… and water, water, water. An occasional green tea bag in the ice water to shake things up (it's actually quite tasty). And maybe I'll eventually start doing that "30 Meals in 30 Days" thing that I keep thinking about but can never get around to doing.... it means taking two whole days and cooking, cooking, cooking, but it also means that I'll have an entire month's worth of food made and stashed in the freezer, so all I have to do is take it out and heat it up. And the best part of that is that it's homemade and healthy.

2006-04-29T10:07:00.000-05:00

Another Baby Step

I put my wedding and engagement rings on this morning. To most, this might not seem like a big deal, but to me, it is. My fingers swell like crazy, when I'm warm. So, when I get out of bed in the morning, I'm all mosty-toasty from bed, but my rings don't fit because my fingers have increased in size. So I usually stick them in my pocket, and put them on about an hour later when my body temp has leveled out. This happens in summer, too. I almost never wear rings in the summer, because it gets so hot that my fingers look like little bratwursts... So anyhow, this morning, I got up, saw the rings there, and put them on. AND THEY WENT RIGHT ON!!! WOO HOO!! I was still all warm, and they fit. Ahh, more baby steps.

I'm going to be adding another blog later today. Alex, who has been commenting so often, now has her own odyssey... and she's kind enough to share it with me. http://somethingsgottagivealex.blogspot.com

2006-04-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

puff...puff....puff....GASP!!!!!

How do people do it??? How do they run a 5K, a 10K, A MARATHON???? I’m on this treadmill, walking around 3.5 mph, thinking I’m gonna fall off any minute - hanging on for dear life. Then I kick it up to a run ~ 4.1-.3 mph for 1:15 at a time ~ and I feel like an elephant slogging through the mud. I’m breathing hard, I’m thumping my feet on the pad, I feel like I’m gonna drop. And then I imagine doing this for 3 miles or more, and my brain just wants to explode!! I know that a 5K is one of my goals. I soooo want to do that, just to prove to myself that I can. But lordy, lordy, it’s gonna be tough.

And a note to Alex... how cool it is for me that you are out there!! I just love reading your notes to me each time they come in!! Thanks for the nice words!

2006-04-27T08:51:00.000-05:00

229!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeehaaaa!!!! I've broken into the '20s!!!! WHOOPEEEEE!!!!!! (doin' a little dance... laalaalaalaa... yippee skippee.....)

I have to go get on the treadmill now. See you later!

2006-04-25T13:10:00.000-05:00

From Grumpy to Giddy

Oh, how I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I could hear the wind howling across the cornfields, the rain drip-drip-dripping on the skylight. My alarm went off at 6:00 AM, and I blinked, suddenly it was 7. The bed was comfy, the blankets warm, I was snug. But part of my brain kept at me… get up… get up. So I slothed out of bed, and drudged down the stairs. Past the ‘mill, to the computer. Figured I’d check some e-mail, eat my yogurt, get my determination up. Took an hour. Didn’t warm up, but did the workout anyway. By the time I got off, I was singing the “I Love My Fat Jeans” Song….

Oh, how I LOVE my fat jeans,
Love that I have to wear a belt.
Love that they are falling off me,
And that I am getting svelte…

Ok, cheesy. But I was feeling giddy, and silly, and so happy that I trudged my way into the workout.

2006-04-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

Easy Exercise?

Exercise should be a study in inverse proportion… I have no idea if that’s the right term, I’m sure someone will correct me if it isn’t. Anyway, the harder you exercise, the easier it should get. It should be motivational - walk a mile at a sauntering pace, and you should be pouring sweat, but run a marathon, and you should feel like you’re walking through a field of daisies. If it worked that way, I’d be a skinny little thing. Instead, here I am on my little ol’ treadmill, gasping away as I run the 1:15 intervals I instituted. I thought I was gonna die… my legs felt like jello, I was pouring sweat. BUT I FELT LIKE AN ATHLETE!!! Of course, I felt like one of the athletes on the movie I was watching… J. was up, and I put Dumbo in for him to watch while I ran. Just call me Jumbo!! I started to the strains of “I think I can, I think I can” from Casey Jr. That was during the first interval run. Not only coincidental, but motivational. I ended with a collapsing Elephant Pyramid. Sort of like my own experience. I felt like a falling elephant during that last run. Pushed everything I had out of me to get it done. (ok, that just sounded WAY gross…) But I did it. And I feel better for it.

OH, I forgot to add to yesterday’s post… I discovered another “fit marker”… my jeans are slightly tapered at the ankles (PLEASE don’t send Oprah after me, I KNOW they don’t look flattering, but they fit). Anyway, I needed to access my knee. In the past, I’d have to excuse myself and remove the jeans, b/c my legs are TREE TRUNKS! Way too big to pull the leg up to the knee without cutting off circulation and requiring surgical removal of the denim embedded in my leg. Yesterday, I pulled them right up, and then right back down! I’m likin’ these Baby Steps!

2006-04-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

Baby Steps

VICTORY!!! Ok, I’m still in the mortal battle with 231. But my fat jeans are officially TOO BIG!!! YEEHAA!! My regular jeans fit me… those are the ones mentioned the other day that I used to have to melt the bottom half of my body and pour myself into. They fit fine. But my Fat Jeans - the ones I save for wearing about a week out of each month - those are too big! Take THAT, 231!!

So I’m back, once again, into the groove of things. Had a veggie-egg white omlette (how on EARTH do you spell that???) for breakfast today, and a sandwich for lunch, instead of the ham-and-cheese regular egg omlette and the “fun nuggets” chicken bits that I’ve been sharing with my son for the last day or two. No wonder 231 was winning. But I’m over that. That phase of the week is done. The stress has passed - the situation hasn’t changed, but I’m dealing with it - and the hormones have calmed themselves. Now I can get back to the business of eradicating that number.

2006-04-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

Lost a Battle, but Still Fighting the War

I'm definately backsliding a little... Last night, S and I had a sit-down to discuss things. In college we called them HDR's (Heavy, deep and real). It seems the time has come for us to face our situation and decide if we're going to stay in this house, or open his job search up to the entire country, since the market in the Midwest seems to have stagnated. I hate moving. I don't want to be days and days away from the rest of my family - parents, brothers - but right now it looks as though there's no work to be had. So. It stressed me out. We finished talking around 9:30 (Missed Numb3rs, dammit!!), and I came down here to distract myself on the computer. Worked on some stuff, but that tickle was in my brain. I kept trying to ignore it, but it kept sneaking up... eat. eat. eat. Push it back. eat. eat. eat. Get out the baseball bat, beat it back. Now it was 10:30. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired. In fact, I was completely wired. eat.eat.eat. Keep working - distract yourself. eat.eat.eat. Ok, different tactic. Face the voice. Tell it that you are not going to give in because you know for sure that you're not hungry, you just want to eat because you're stressed and worried. eat.eat.eat. NO!! I.will.not.do.it. 11:30. Still wired. Still can't go to bed. But I can go up there, do the nighttime routine and get in bed. Write in the journal. Yoga stretches to calm down. eat.eat.eat. It wouldn't go away, and now that evil little voice had recruited my stomach, which was growling pretty loud. I gave in. Midnight hit, and I just had nothing left. I made a sandwich. and I was still hungry. So I made another. That satisfied my stomach, but not my brain, but by this time, it was about 1 AM, and I was finally getting sleepy. So I finally slept.

Today, I deal with the guilt. I hold rational conversations with my brain to stop punishing me because I gave in. Because when I feel guilty, I want to eat more. It never stops. I have all these fail-safes that I've installed in my brain... distractions, ideas for keeping on the straight and narrow, etc., but last night, every one of them failed. But that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, right? I'm back on the path again today. Mixed up my rest days ~ out of necessity I had to make today my rest day instead of tomorrow, so first thing tomorrow morning I'll be back on the treadmill. And I'm back eating healthy today. So hopefully there isn't too much damage.

2006-04-21T16:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry, No Instant Gratification Here...

Thank you, M, for helping me keep this all in perspective: it took years to put it on, it’s not going to come off overnight. So, even though I am COMPLETELY AT WAR with pound number 231, I am feeling and seeing success in other ways. This morning, while getting dressed, I noticed fewer lumps where lumps used to be. I can button my jeans without a second thought, without having to lay on the floor, exhale every molecule of air in my system, suck in my gut, stand on my head, do the Hop-Around-The-Room-To-Shake-Everything-Into-Place Dance or any of those other maneuvers you see in commercials. I can run stairs, instead of walking them. So, yeah, my body likes this number. But it’s just that: a number. A big number that can’t be ignored, but just a rest stop in a long journey. Eventually, it’ll go away, and pretty soon, I’ll be obsessing over the next rest stop.

2006-04-20T08:46:00.000-05:00

Upping the Workout, making progress

Two days ago, I added running to the morning tread. I still go for 20 minutes hard, with 5 minute warm-up and 5 minute cool down, but now, I’ve added 1 minute of (very slow) running at 5-minute intervals - 5, 10, 15, 20, and then once more at 24. It’s keeping the heart rate up there at 160, whereas before I started this, it had dropped to the 140s. I’m still at a speed of 3.3… whatever that means. But it’s a point of reference, and I can’t seem to go faster without eventually shooting myself off the back of the machine. So I’ll stay at 3.3 for a while longer.

Ok, I know that a few people read this now and then. Consider this your disclaimer… guys, you may not be interested in this next part… Ok, you’ve been warned. I haven’t lost much more weight, but I’m noticing other differences. My clothes fit better, particularly my bras. It’s so nice to not have them poking me in the wrong places any more! Of course, this brings a little dismay… of all the places to lose weight, WHY does it have to be there? Ahh, well. Inches are inches, just like pounds are pounds, and this is progress. I feel good.

And I’m holding the depression at bay. It’s all good.

2006-04-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

Depression

I can feel the depression starting again. Swirling around me like a shadow, waiting to engulf me when I let down my guard. My first instinct is to reach for food, because the depression makes me angry, and I eat when I'm angry. To fight it off, I breathe. I try going to my 'happy place', but it still encroaches. I exercise, go for a walk, play with J. But still it lingers, there on the edge of my psyche. I do NOT want to start the pills again. They helped the depression, but did bad things to me, physically. I don't like relying on them, and I'm determined to function without them. I know, in the long run, I'm going to be fine, that this is a phase I'm going through. It's part of life, and life can't always be giggles and roses. But it's a tough part of life, and I'd rather not deal with it. But I have to, so I will find a way through it.

2006-04-18T07:56:00.000-05:00

Back to the Track

Well, the Easter Weekend is over, and I'm a pound richer for it. Blame it on lack of vigilance over meals, and a couple of skipped treadmills. But I wasn't a total sloth, Mom and Dad were here, and we went to a state park on Saturday and walked/strolled most of the day. And then Monday, I spent a good part of the day rooting around in dirt, planting a garden. Sunday was a total washout... it rained all day. Although I did help Mom and Dad lay some padding in my basement. So again, no slothing. But I didn't get my concentrated workouts in. I have to work on that.

On the upside, I could tell that the workouts have been helping me... all that walking around on Saturday would have wiped me out in the first hour or so. I was able to go all day long without puning out.

2006-04-14T06:45:00.000-05:00

A Lesson In Stress

Yesterday, I received a lesson in stress, grace under pressure, and dealing with a seriously messed up schedule. I passed some of the tests and failed others. First, I was doing the 'flight of the bumblebee' cleaning of the house because my parents are coming this weekend, and I had to dig out the path between the door and the guest bedroom. So while I was doing that, I noticed that the toilet and the washing machine were having an argument. Which led me to discover that they were both trying to tell me that my septic system was backing up for the second time in 5 months. This meant putting everything aside and getting out the wet-vac and sucking up water again. So after uttering more curse words than most sailors know, I called Larry the Septic Guy, and he came out and fixed the problem (turns out that two-year-olds LOVE shoving toilet paper down the toilet and flushing...), just as a rockin' storm blew in. By this time, it was 7 pm, J was up and hungry, and the septic situation (which was now fixed) had prevented any use of water so I couldn't make dinner, and now I was absolutely sure we'd lose power, so I didn't want to get started on dinner.

So we sat and watched the storm roll through, then went to Bill's for dinner, where I ended up eating a breaded chicken sandwich with cheese and tartar sauce on it (it's the closest I can get to fish, live with it), and a big helping of fries. I did have a salad with dinner, so I got veggies. And I didn't eat all the fries.

And, with all the nonsense going on, I missed my second workout of the day.

But today, I'm back on track. Up earlier than usual, I'm getting my computer stuff done early, while I'm eating a tiny breakfast. Next up is my first tread of the day, followed by all those last minute details of preparing for guests. I'm sure I'll be back on track, and if faced with more schedule interruptions, I know I will figure a way to stay on track, or at least get back on track.

2006-04-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

Rewards

There's a philosophy of weight loss out there that says, "buy yourself something to reward yourself when you reach a goal". In the past, I've tried that... used losing weight as an excuse to buy a cute pair of shoes or a new whatever. This time feels different. The other day, S and I were talking, and he says, "If you reach your goal, I'll give you $1000 for a whole new wardrobe". Well, it didn't phase me one bit. First, because, well, I'm going to have to buy new clothes either way - I'm sure he doesn't want me walking around naked - and second, the reward just didn't matter. I've been thinking about it for a couple days now, and it finally hit me: I'm not in this for the physical reward. Not a 'purchasable' physical reward, anyway. The physical reward I'm after is physique - an attractive shape, a healthy body, just being strong, and having the ability to grab a chocolate chip cookie, and not have it show up on my hips the next day. The reward is the weight loss itself.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm not going to go shopping....

2006-04-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

Nice Weather We're Having

Note to self: walking on the treadmill barefoot without "roughing up" the soles of the feet is a BAD idea....

I'm disappointed that shorts weather is already here. I'm fighting it like crazy. We need a good, solid month or two of coolish, jeans and long-sleeved shirts weather. First, because I just like cool weather. And second, because I'm just not ready to break out those shorts yet. I want to wait and break them out when they're all too big!!! It all has to do with one of those silly fantasies... I picture myself pulling out all the clothes that were just a little too tight last summer, putting them on, and voila!! Nothing fits! All too big and saggy!! MUST GO SHOPPING!!!

2006-04-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

Nuthin'

I got nuthin' today. It's just a schlumpy day... clouds are rolling in, and it's becoming one of those curl-up-on-the-couch-with-a-good-book days. Thing is, I'm out of good books, and I haven't done the second treadmill of the day. I did, however, add an exercise ball to the routine, just this morning. And I'm sitting on it as I write this. I think I really like it. It might look a little silly, but it's almost completely impossible to slouch while sitting on it. And sitting up straight strengthens the core muscles, so I guess I'm kind of getting a little tiny workout while I'm surfing the net. Woohoo!!

Told you I had nuthin'!

2006-04-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Progress

Ok, so my jeans don't fit better yet. But my wedding rings do. And I'm finding that I have an incredible amount of energy. I don't notice it much during the day, but at night, I suddenly have this amazing burst of "gotta get things done". I'm cleaning things instead of just sitting and mindlessly watching TV (this is after J has gone to bed). I took out the garbage last night, and got back up to the garage before I realized that I wasn't winded from walking up the driveway.

Little changes. But it's making me feel pretty darned good.

And I think it's prophetic that this is my horoscope for today:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Even if the tiniest thing throws off your entire plan today, try not to lose sight of the long-range goal. Keeping your eye on the distance can ward off discouragement over any minor setback that you might encounter now. Fix what you can as quickly as possible and then move on to the next task. Don't go for perfection when simple competence will be enough

Good advice for anyone, actually.

2006-04-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

Something's Missing

I feel like I've overcome a huge obstacle in this little journey. Today is Sunday, the day that I set aside back at the beginning, and designated as a 'rest day'. The day I take off from organized exercise, the day I don't obsess about each calorie and fat gram that goes into my mouth. So I slept in (7:45 am), took a nice, long shower, and came directly down here to check a few things before running up to get the paper.

I haven't eaten yet.

I walked past the treadmill without stopping.

I feel like I'm neglecting myself because I haven't done either one.

I consider that a big victory.

2006-04-08T15:07:00.000-05:00

Perceptions

I don’t see myself as fat. When I see myself in my head, when I picture myself doing things, the person I “see” is much smaller than the real person. Kind of like anorexia in reverse. I’ve read that some who struggle with anorexia always see themselves as much larger than they actually are. Every now and then I realize that I’m ignoring my reflection. When I look in the mirror, I concentrate on my face and hair, and tend not to look below the collar of my shirt. And even when I do appraise the whole thing, what I’m seeing doesn’t register. Ok, so there’s fat there. But it doesn’t register with my brain that I’m fat. Oh, this is just not making sense.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a doctor tell me that I need to lose weight. I’ve gone to see them about dieting, but I’ve never walked into a doctor’s office and had him or her sit me down and say, “look, you’re carrying a lot of extra weight here. Your bloodwork shows that you’re healthy now, but that could change in the blink of an eye unless you do something about these extra pounds.” Never. Not that I need a doctor to tell me what’s right there before my eyes. Well, you’d think that, but since I don’t actually see the fat that’s right there before my eyes… well… it kind of turns into an endless circle after a while, right? If I don’t see the fat, then I don’t need to lose the fat. For the anorexic, if she doesn’t see that she’s losing weight, then she needs to keep dieting. Endless circle. I wonder if the perception will ever change?

How do I get past the perception, and get to the truth? How do I get to where I can look in the mirror and really see what’s there? Or do I need to? Is it enough that I know, logically, by looking at the scale and by doing the equations that I have a certain number of pounds that need to go away? Or will that sabotage me down the road?

2006-04-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

Spreading the Word

Ok, I've done it. After thinking about it, and worrying about it, I've finally taken "their" advice, and told everyone what I'm doing, and about this blog. Laid myself bare (and God help me, revealed my actual weight) to the world. It's a scary moment, being honest like this. But if it keeps me honest, and helps me accomplish this lifestyle change, well, then it's worth it.

Shelby asked me what my goals are. Well, the biggest is two-fold: to get myself down to a healthy (ok, and good looking) weight. Right now, the paper calculations tell me that the magic number is 140. If I get to that number and it doesn't feel right, or I can do more and still be healthy, then I'll make adjustments then. But that's a while down the line. Like a year down the line.

Smaller goals are: lose no more than 2 lbs per week, anything more than that, and I run the risk of gaining it back. Pick up J without all the herky-jerky movements that come from weak muscles; bounce out of bed, rather than groan my way out; buy clothes out of a catalog or off the rack with a really good chance that they'll fit; play my flute with the strong sound and control that healthy lungs can produce; like the way I look in a swimsuit; cross my legs when I sit down without knocking over the table, cutting off circulation in my feet, or knocking my knee out of joint; feel healthy, and know that I'm doing the right things for my body. Run a 5k someday, and after that, maybe participate in the Team in Training program for the Leukemia Foundation - and run a 1/2 marathon in Alaska (sorry, Janel, I can't even get my brain around a whole marathon, let alone my body!). How cool would that be? Live long and prosper. Oh the list goes on and on, and grows every day.

So thanks, everyone, for reading, and thanks for your kind words. I don't plan to let you down, and I certainly don't plan to let myself down!

2006-04-06T08:02:00.000-05:00

The Enemy

Stress. I'm stressing out. I want this to happen, and I want it to happen RIGHT NOW. I've gained two pounds back, and I absolutely know why, it's been happening all my life, it's my physical structure, it's water, I KNOW THIS. There are some things that are cyclical, and you can't stop them, so you just go with them. Still ticks me off that it happens. And it's a set back when you're trying to trim down. Even though you know it's going to go away soon.

And then there are the external triggers. The interrupted schedule, the uncooperative weather, things just not going as you'd like them to. All these things used to be reasons for me to reach for something -anything - to eat. Now I'm trying to restructure that kind of thinking and it's a rocky road. Ok, bad choice of words, I did NOT eat a pint of Rocky Road. It was Bing Cherry....

So I bring myself around to consider the goals... be able to cross my legs when I sit. Be able to keep up with J as he grows up. Hop on the bike and ride whenever. Wear something other than jeans and a turtleneck. Usually, it's enough to rein me in.

2006-04-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

Making Comparisons

I saw Rosie O'Donnell on TV this morning, doing an interview with Diane Sawyer. When the interview started, Diane commented on how good Rosie looked, and asked if this was going to be a long-term thing... losing weight. Rosie commented, “probably not, my goal is to just keep it under 200”. This comment got me thinking about weight and size... it flashed into my head that I share this weight with NFL linebackers!!! Wow. It's amazing the things that go through your mind while you're on a treadmill.

Anyway, I feel back on track this morning. I'm chalking yesterday up to the 'blahs'. I think everyone's allowed a couple of blah days, as long as they don't stick around for too long. Today, I hit the treadmill for a half hour on the old speed, and the heart rate was lower by 2. Another week of this, and I'll bump it up a notch. I'll hit the 'mill again this afternoon, but go for the endurance by setting the incline. This will be an experiment, so I don't know yet what the goals are.

2006-04-04T17:04:00.000-05:00

Lessons Learned

I'm on full 'vacation recovery' right now. The whole get-your-schedule-back-on-schedule thing. I overdid it yesterday, ended up working right through lunch, and at 4:30, was incredibly hungry. So I made a ham and cheese sandwich. Not the healthiest choice, but it wasn't bad. Until I finished it, and discovered that I was STILL hungry. So I made another. Bad, I know, but I was famished. Dinner came shortly thereafter. I felt bloated and cruddy for the rest of the day. Lesson learned. No more skipping of meals, no matter how many chores there are to do.

Did better today, although I still haven't incorporated that second walk that I promised myself I'd do. I hit the treadmill this morning, and discovered I'd lost some ground. I should have gone for an outside walk this afternoon, but took a nap instead. Not sure what's going on, but I've been extremely tired for the past few days. Maybe I really am coming off of the vacation thing.

Tomorrow's another day. I'll get back on track.

2006-04-03T08:40:00.000-05:00

Musings from the Road

So I went for the first walk outside at home today. Didn't pay a lick of attention to the hear trate. I did, however, concentrate on the burning in my thighs. Apparently, there are more hills out there than first meets the eye. Coming back was a real adventure. Uphill all the way, against a good,stiff, NW wind. We're talking a good 30-40 mph blow here... no light spring breeze. It took some effort to get up my driveway. When I finished, I felt great!! One down today, one to go.

I weighed myself before the week off. I was down to 235, so I threw a little party in my head. Yes, I know it was probably mostly water or something, but hey, 5 pounds is 5 pounds.

Curious about the damage that'd been done on vacation, I weighed myself before going to bed last night. 238. Ahh, well... live and learn. Weighed myeself when I got up this morning before the walk. 237. Hmmmm.... When I got back, just before jumping in the shower... 234. Well. Isn't that interesting? I've decided to wait another day before updating my little determined chick. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow, just before shower. After all, that's when I got the 240 measurement. Ok, maybe I'll update her now. After all, 6 pounds IS 6 pounds....

2006-04-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

Back Home Again

Vacations are always fun. But sooner or later, you have to pay the piper. I kept my food diary religiously while I was gone. Only problem is, I didn't have my handy-dandy computer program with me so I could add up all the fat, calories, etc., that I'm tracking. So now I have to put it all in and see exactly what kind of damage I've done.

Overall, whether I ate too much or not, I'm pretty proud of myself. I walked every day except today, Sunday. And today was an intentional skip, because I've decided to allow myself one "loaf" day a week.

Tomorrow, I will be back to closely monitoring the food that goes in, and I intend to take some advice and up the walking to twice a day. I'm doing this because I've discovered that I like it (who knew???), and because I discovered that I need the outside walks. But when I walk outside, I tend to cut myself more slack... feeling a little winded? Slow down. Feel a twinge in the ankle? Slow down. Pretty bird that deserves a second look? Slow down... On the other hand, I simply like being outside, and that early morning walk is a nice eye-opener.

So the outside walk will be for the fresh air and for the terrain. Build the muscles and the endurance on the uneven ground. The indoor treadmill walk will be the more cardio of the two, purely for the heart rate and lung capacity thing.

2006-03-31T09:05:00.000-06:00

Vacation Trials

I am discovering that being on vacation presents a whole host of challenges. While at home, I am learning how to avoid those situations that beg for me to open a bag of chips or cookies and chow down. Now I'm out and away from those familiar triggers and dropped into a whole new set of triggers. The daily morning walks help, especially since the weather has been stellar. Nothing beats being outside when the birds start to sing. Ice water and diet soda are also big helps. When I'm looking to have something in my mouth... ice water. When I'm suddenly craving something sweet, if the mental game of chasing it off doesn't work, I turn to a bit of diet soda. Not the best solution, but certainly better than scarfing down half a bag of Chips Ahoy. Also the fast food dilemma. Driving trips always include fast food stops. I achieved a moral victory the other day by ordering 'grilled' chicken instead of my usual 'crispy' chicken on my salad. Turns out it cut WAY down on the calories. And since I traditionally don't have dressing on the salad, well, whoopee for me!

It's becoming a game of balance and planning.... if I know that a big or not-so-healthy meal is in my near future, I will balance it by upping the nutritional value of the other meals... better cereal, heavier-grain bread, more fruit, more veggies, milk, fruit juice or water instead of pop. It's only a week, but it's getting a little easier each day.

It also helps that one cookie is better than denying myself any cookies. Eating one means I won't obsess.

2006-03-29T10:50:00.000-06:00

Turns out M was right. Did you hear that M? You were right. And you'll probably never hear me say that again, so enjoy it while it lasts. Anyway, he said that it's probably harder to walk or run on regular ground than on the treadmill. And so it is. I didn't have the luxury of a mill this morning, so I went out and hoofed it around the neighborhood. Only took like a minute to get the HR up where it should be rather than the usual 5-7. So my walk was shorter, but I got the same benefits. Huh. Maybe I'll have to do that a little more....

2006-03-28T06:33:00.000-06:00

The Tough Get Going

Yesterday was my first challenge. Started the day with a triple-dose of stress, and by 8:00 AM, was looking for my first helping of whatever... pizza, cookies, anything. So I grabbed a banana and got online. Something to distract me. M and mom both talked me out of my tree, and by 10, I was dealing calmly with the stressors. Got the problems all dealt with, too, and managed to hit the treadmill in the evening. Didn't do as well, since I was very tired, but I consider it a small victory that I managed to get on for a half hour.

This week will present new challenges in this fledgling journey. Being out of the comfort zone of my house will take away all the regular stimuli, but the situations I will be in will present a host of new ones.

I am taking my food diary and workout clothes with me. I will find a way to exercise every day.

2006-03-26T17:20:00.000-06:00

By The Numbers

A couple days ago, I was talking about the article in Women's Health that started this whole thing. It's called "Your Perfect Weight: Get there, stay there", and includes all kinds of equations for figuring out your weight, fat percentage, how many calories you need, etc. So I sat down the night I got the magazine, and ran MY numbers. Whew, was I surprised...
Current weight: 240. According to the article, my baseline (target weight) is 130-135. My body fat percentage is 50.78%. YIKES! I was literally, off the chart. Their chart only went to 44%. So I had to guestimate at a percent over goal, which gave me the 100 lbs. (Ok, I knew that already. Actually, it's probably 108 over, but when I make it that far, I'll worry about the extra).

So now I recover from THAT little tidbit, and move to the next step... determining my metabolic rate and daily calorie needs. I've never done this before, and was extremely interested in what I'd find. Shocker again. Just to exist... just to lay in bed breathing... I need to consume 2640 calories. TWO THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FORTY CALORIES. JUST TO BREATHE. Crap. Ok, press on. Another shocker (I wasn't sure my heart could stand this. My pride certainly couldn't)... my resting metabolic rate (the rate of calories you burn when daily activity is factored in) is 4224. FOUR THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED TWENTY FOUR CALORIES. I don't think Arnold Schwartzenegger eats that much in a day, does he? Criminy. I'm in big trouble.

But wait, there's more! Now I have to factor in my exercise. I currently do 30 min/day on the treadmill. With that, my body requires 4258 calories. (Hang on, Elizabeth, I'm comin'!!). So what do I do with this information? If I want to lose a pound a week, I subtract 500 cal/day. If I want to lose 2 lbs/week, I subtract 1000 cal/day. They warn me that if I cut out any more than that, I'll lose more muscle than fat.

I guess this is good news. Theoretically speaking, I should lose 2 lbs/week if I eat 3258 cal/day. My food diary tells me that since starting this odyssey, I'm eating closer to 2000 cal/day. I actually need to step UP the calorie intake. Who knew?

Pass the pizza and chocolate chip cookies.....

2006-03-25T08:48:00.000-06:00

The Right Reasons and Revenge

I talked to M last night about this. He said to be sure I'm doing this for myself, and not for anyone else. Not for my hubby, not for my parents, or my brothers, or friends. If I do it for anyone else, and not for myself, I run the risk of "revenge"... they say/do something to anger or hurt, and I have the option of eating to 'get back at them'. So yes, I'm doing this for me. I want to wake up in the morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Feeling healthy instead of dragging. I want to be able to sit down and cross my legs. To buy a pair of jeans and know that they'll fit. To say "yeah, sure" when someone says, "lets go for a bike ride/walk/hike/canoe ride", instead of making excuses why I can't. The list is long and varied. But mostly... the biggest reason of all... is J. I want to be fit and healthy for him, so I can go run and play with him as he grows. And if that's doing it for someone else, I think I'm safe doing it for him.

I thought about the whole revenge eating thing, and realized that perhaps that's where those fast food cravings come from. It's similar to comfort food. For me, comfort food is pizza. We always have pizza when the family gets together...Homemade crust, a certain brand of sauce... ahhh, I'm hungry just thinking about it.

So anyway, I eat fast food because I can. Because now I'm an adult, and there's nobody out there (parents) telling me I can't... that I have to eat this healthy food that Mom made, instead of the burger that I see on TV. So now, as an adult, I associate eating fast food with making an "adult" decision to eat 'what I want'. Pretty childish, eh? Seems like I'd make the decision to eat the good stuff, instead.

2006-03-24T15:12:00.000-06:00

Random Musings about this Life Change

I love that little chick up there. She looks so determined to get to her goal. I think I'm going to put her on my treadmill, right next to the pictures of clothes that I want to fit into.

I'll stick her to the dashboard of my truck, too. I just heard on the news that they're putting in a Coldstone Creamery near my house. Uh... crap. Please, Lord, give me the strength to resist. What is it about fast food that has such lure? It's not very tasty, it doesn't stick with you, and relatively speaking, it's not cheap. But when I think about never again having another McBurger, I get shaky. Nervous. NEVER? Say it ain't so!! But what's the big deal? WHY is it such a big deal to never have a drippy, greasy, oversalted, under-tasty burger again? I think it's an addiction. Not a physical addiction, because I don't need that burger... but a mental addiction. Something in my brain wants that burger for whatever reason. Rebellion?..."See? I can have a burger! HAH!"... Reward?..."Oh, I've been so busy getting things done, I need a reward"... There's something there. I just have to resist it until I can locate it, and then VAPORIZE it.

I've linked to two magazines here, another blog, and to the USDA Pyramid. The first two - Women's Health Magazine and Shape Magazine, because they both inspire me to do better. Women's Health this month (April, 2006) is the catalyst for this blog, actually... they had a whole write-up on figuring out your correct BMI (39), what percentage of your body is fat (50%!!! bleeach), and how many pounds of fat you need to lose to have a healthy fat percentage (around 100). I stole the idea for the weight tracker at the top of the page from Healthy Monkey. She's involved in the same battle I am. The USDA Pyramid is there because that's what I'm basing my eating on. I've tried fad diets, and I'm done with them. I found that they all worked in the short-term, but I'm not a rule-follower. I like to do what feels right. So I want to be able to eat whatever I durn well please, within reason. I think the Pyramid gives me that freedom.

2006-03-24T13:04:00.000-06:00

100

I've hit that magic number. 100. Gak. I can't believe I've let myself go this far before reining it it. Not that I haven't tried, oh, no... I'm an expert at the whole "diet" thing. It's time for something new. Time to get serious and really do what it is that I've been dreaming about for years. Fit into a pair of skinny jeans.